People, I LOVE reality TV..... from Real World to The Biggest Loser to Extreme Home Makeover to College Hill to Run's House to Supernanny to Wife Swap to The Great Race to Being Bobby Brown to I Love NY/Flavor of Love/Charm Schol to Life with the Christies (which I only saw ONE episode because I can't get the damn channel on my cable that it comes on ....grrrrrr)...I LOVE THEM ALL!!!!
I think that it is something about (alot of) us that makes us watch. It's like we are voyeurs into a world which we would never be allowed into otherwise. It gives us a glimpse into people characters and allows us to zone out. It makes celebs more real and lets us know that the things we do are NOT so out there azfter all or that we are waaaaay more grounded than we ever thought! LOL It's fabulous!!! Now... My husband would just say "naw....it ain't NONE of that...you just NOSEY!" And maybe I am.... I am a voyeur by nature. I could go to the mall and just sit there (if no one could see me) and look at and critique the folks that walk by. Hell, I KNOW someone is critiqing ME!!! So, why not get my critique on???? LOL
There are some good ones coming out soon and here is one. It'll be on VH1.....I will have to find out when it's gon be on.... I can't wait! LOL
Enjoy!!
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
Sunday, September 23, 2007
Off to see the wizard....
So... you all know I work in HR, right? Well, here's my dilemna.... I do not always "want" to "follow the rules". I am really a person who thinks that at certain times, rules SHOULD be broken! I am not a "goody-goody" kind of person either. This is kinda anti-thetical to I guess what you could call "the code of the HR person". I have written about this before because it is constantly being tested.
I likened it to being the person who has seen what is behind the wizards cloak from The Wizard of Oz and just like in the movie, it ain't that great.
We in HR are looked to to be the "shining examples" of "rightness" and that is what MOST HR muthafucka's purport to be. But rest assured, they got shit in they draws JUUUUUST like you do ! LOL Lookie here....I am just a person and I am NOT exempt from being pissed, and not in agreeance with management and NOT wanting to follow every rule to the letter. I am NOT the damn role model for everyone. I am just a person, an employee, juuuust like ya'll truth be told.
This dichotomy. It really does vex me to my SOUL...for real!
I guess it has to do with my having seen what's behind that damn wizards cloak that I've seen. HR people are some of the MOST horrible violators of what "should be done". I have seen people get $20K raises when others are being laid off, I have seen others not get a $2K raise (that was justified by the work she was doing) and it be justified on BULLSHIT, and in general, I have seen people FIRED because of the fact that they were not "nice enough" (notice: I didn't say he did ANYTHING wrong or was rude or inappropriate) and did not look the other WAY with a BIG WIGS wife when she tried to violate site policy...WTF??? Squo???? Word. Tthat's some BULLSHIT. And in general,I have seen that if you are white, in America, just about every fucking rule can and WILL be broken for yo ass if need be.
I say all that to say that I do like being in HR, because I do think that rules & policy is necessary, but when these "supervisors" get all "holier than thou" I wanna bust em in their fuckin' jaw! Because it is a buncha SHIT!
I'm the kinda bitch that if I really trusted you, I would let you take a sick day and if you were all out, I may not "record" it. I would probably ONLY do it for a black person that I trusted however and woukd STRAIGHT UP deny and disavow the agreement if it came out....."what are you talking about".....they do it.... why can't I? The shit I have seen white folks get away with is sickening and it makes me cynical of them ALL (and some black folks too) at work.
But how does this affect me at work? It makes me not care about what people do if I can get away with it sometimes. Depending onn what it is and who knows about it...I really DO NOT CARE! The truth is, this job doesn't care about ME except for in the " how can yo BLACK ASS help me toward my next BILLION dollars" kinda way. ANd it's not just THIS company, it's all of them. The older that I have gotten, the less respect I have had for MOST companies in general because I know that I am expendable and if you think that YOU are not too, you are fooling ya'self son.
Just my .02 cents
I likened it to being the person who has seen what is behind the wizards cloak from The Wizard of Oz and just like in the movie, it ain't that great.
We in HR are looked to to be the "shining examples" of "rightness" and that is what MOST HR muthafucka's purport to be. But rest assured, they got shit in they draws JUUUUUST like you do ! LOL Lookie here....I am just a person and I am NOT exempt from being pissed, and not in agreeance with management and NOT wanting to follow every rule to the letter. I am NOT the damn role model for everyone. I am just a person, an employee, juuuust like ya'll truth be told.
This dichotomy. It really does vex me to my SOUL...for real!
I guess it has to do with my having seen what's behind that damn wizards cloak that I've seen. HR people are some of the MOST horrible violators of what "should be done". I have seen people get $20K raises when others are being laid off, I have seen others not get a $2K raise (that was justified by the work she was doing) and it be justified on BULLSHIT, and in general, I have seen people FIRED because of the fact that they were not "nice enough" (notice: I didn't say he did ANYTHING wrong or was rude or inappropriate) and did not look the other WAY with a BIG WIGS wife when she tried to violate site policy...WTF??? Squo???? Word. Tthat's some BULLSHIT. And in general,I have seen that if you are white, in America, just about every fucking rule can and WILL be broken for yo ass if need be.
I say all that to say that I do like being in HR, because I do think that rules & policy is necessary, but when these "supervisors" get all "holier than thou" I wanna bust em in their fuckin' jaw! Because it is a buncha SHIT!
I'm the kinda bitch that if I really trusted you, I would let you take a sick day and if you were all out, I may not "record" it. I would probably ONLY do it for a black person that I trusted however and woukd STRAIGHT UP deny and disavow the agreement if it came out....."what are you talking about".....they do it.... why can't I? The shit I have seen white folks get away with is sickening and it makes me cynical of them ALL (and some black folks too) at work.
But how does this affect me at work? It makes me not care about what people do if I can get away with it sometimes. Depending onn what it is and who knows about it...I really DO NOT CARE! The truth is, this job doesn't care about ME except for in the " how can yo BLACK ASS help me toward my next BILLION dollars" kinda way. ANd it's not just THIS company, it's all of them. The older that I have gotten, the less respect I have had for MOST companies in general because I know that I am expendable and if you think that YOU are not too, you are fooling ya'self son.
Just my .02 cents
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
Good Life
I am addicted to Kanye's new song "Good Life"....it has a sample of Michael Jackson's "Pretty Young Thing" and it is rockin!!! I actually like him anyway, so I figured his new album would be good (let's not talk about the temper tantrum at the awards though.....LOL)
Anyway, as far as the job goes, I woke up with this stress-tension pain going across my shoulder blades. No doubt a result of my inability to not ba a tense person. My husband rubbed my neck some and it feels a little better, but it's still there. I feel like I need some Icy Hot or something! **sigh**
But in light of all that I am complaining about, I think it is fitting to tell you all the things that I DO like:
* Getting up in the a.m. (or p.m. or whenever) and being able to walk, talk, see and hold my little one.
* I am thankful for being "relatively" healthy(need to stillllllllll lose some weight) but I am thakful for my health
* My new car. I REALLY love my new car. Cars are a BIG deal to me because I feel that I want to feel a certain way and have a certain level of comfort when I have to be in this thing EVERY.DAY, twice a day or more. Now.... I will not mortgage my HOUSE to pay for a car, but I want it to be nice and have toys and bells and whistles in it. So, with that said, my new car doesn't have ALL the bells and whistles, btu it has enough and it has plenty! I know lots of people (my mother for one) feel that a car is "a way from A to B" and that is fine. But please do not dog me because I like to do a bit'o "stylin" in my car. I feel like my car NEEDS to be an extension of my taste and self. (i know this is a long explanation on the whole car subject, but I really do love my car and it makes me HAPPY everytime I get into it!)
* My Son.I love to see my son smile and hear him tell me "mommy , I know that because I am a smart kid". I just laugh and PROMPTLY tell him "uh... you aren't THAT smart buddy" **all the wile thinking "yeah, you are a bright kid , but i don't want you to get ANY KIND of big head at the damn age of 3!"LOL.... He has had too many people telling him that and while it is good to think that you are smart and build self-esteem, I also do not want him to EVER be too arrogant! Ya know what I mean??? Anyway.... I was allllll off the topic! LOL
* Good times with Good friends. There is nothing like having a good times and having good laughs! It is essential! **note to self: schedule a date for me, Diva and TS to go out**
* Good Music. Music makes me happy if I love it.... it can be absolutely mood changing. That's why you will find me banging my music in my car OFTEN. I love music!
* Vacations. I (as I am sure everyone does) love the feeling you have when you are on vacation. I, unfortunately, have not HAD one (let me quantify this.... I mean one where you are not visiting parents or in-laws or sitting in your house for a week) in far too long. I need a real week-long, carribean get away. For real. They are great!
* Getting my hair done There is NOTHING like the feeling when I get my hair (and nails for that matter) done. I feel polished and together when they are right :-) I know Diva feels me!
And most of all, I love being happy, just genuainely happy :-)
Later ya'll and may you have a happy wonderful day!!!
Anyway, as far as the job goes, I woke up with this stress-tension pain going across my shoulder blades. No doubt a result of my inability to not ba a tense person. My husband rubbed my neck some and it feels a little better, but it's still there. I feel like I need some Icy Hot or something! **sigh**
But in light of all that I am complaining about, I think it is fitting to tell you all the things that I DO like:
* Getting up in the a.m. (or p.m. or whenever) and being able to walk, talk, see and hold my little one.
* I am thankful for being "relatively" healthy(need to stillllllllll lose some weight) but I am thakful for my health
* My new car. I REALLY love my new car. Cars are a BIG deal to me because I feel that I want to feel a certain way and have a certain level of comfort when I have to be in this thing EVERY.DAY, twice a day or more. Now.... I will not mortgage my HOUSE to pay for a car, but I want it to be nice and have toys and bells and whistles in it. So, with that said, my new car doesn't have ALL the bells and whistles, btu it has enough and it has plenty! I know lots of people (my mother for one) feel that a car is "a way from A to B" and that is fine. But please do not dog me because I like to do a bit'o "stylin" in my car. I feel like my car NEEDS to be an extension of my taste and self. (i know this is a long explanation on the whole car subject, but I really do love my car and it makes me HAPPY everytime I get into it!)
* My Son.I love to see my son smile and hear him tell me "mommy , I know that because I am a smart kid". I just laugh and PROMPTLY tell him "uh... you aren't THAT smart buddy" **all the wile thinking "yeah, you are a bright kid , but i don't want you to get ANY KIND of big head at the damn age of 3!"LOL.... He has had too many people telling him that and while it is good to think that you are smart and build self-esteem, I also do not want him to EVER be too arrogant! Ya know what I mean??? Anyway.... I was allllll off the topic! LOL
* Good times with Good friends. There is nothing like having a good times and having good laughs! It is essential! **note to self: schedule a date for me, Diva and TS to go out**
* Good Music. Music makes me happy if I love it.... it can be absolutely mood changing. That's why you will find me banging my music in my car OFTEN. I love music!
* Vacations. I (as I am sure everyone does) love the feeling you have when you are on vacation. I, unfortunately, have not HAD one (let me quantify this.... I mean one where you are not visiting parents or in-laws or sitting in your house for a week) in far too long. I need a real week-long, carribean get away. For real. They are great!
* Getting my hair done There is NOTHING like the feeling when I get my hair (and nails for that matter) done. I feel polished and together when they are right :-) I know Diva feels me!
And most of all, I love being happy, just genuainely happy :-)
Later ya'll and may you have a happy wonderful day!!!
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
another day another dolla.....
Well... the stuff just doesn't get better.... LOL
All I CAN do is laugh at this point, because I want to scream!!!! Basically.... I have now had my desk moved for the THIRD time in the 9 months that I have been here. I hate change. I want to be someplace and just be. I HATE all of this musical fucking desks. I was JUST getting used to the (albeit bad locale) of the 3rd desk that I was at. I am now in a fuckign OFFICE with 2 other people!!!! I am the SAME situation that I detailed to TS that I said I would DIE if I was in!!!! I am segregated and before though I shared an OPEN-ASS-CUBE with two other people it is WORSE in an office!!! There is no other sound to distract others from YOUR business and being all up in it and because I am no MORE than 5 ft. from the woman (who is like a flighty little grandma type....nice enough) next to me, it will be IMPOSSIBLE for her to NOT hear me if 1. I am conducting business, 2. talking to my husband 3. calling the dr.
I HAVE LESS PRIVACY than I did BEFORE and BEFORE I had virtually NO PRIVACY!!! Being ini this office will do NOTHING be magnify all sounds!!! I can't play no music (I am sure these two white chick, one is young...like 28 or so and grandma) because I am SURE they do not want to hear my "urban" music!!!! And no, I cannot wear headphones all day. I have too much "phone interaction" that I have to have.
So, this morning the NB (New boss or New bitch...take your pick) sends me this "special project" as the e-mail indicated. WHHHHHHHHHHHHHHY was it a LIST of fucking people that quit, got terminated, left for school reason,etc. and these micro-crazy people want to know more abotu "why" they left so she wanted ME to callllllllllllllllll alllllllllllllllllllllllll of these fucking people to do exit interviews on them ........
TODAY!!!!!!!!!! WTF?????
I sent her a message to clarify and have since gotten it widdled down to about 35 people, but guess what? She also wants me to ask them TEN QUESTIONS a piece!!!! WTF!!!! Then I ALSO have other people calling me and other things to do. These people apparently think that I can do 10 things at once. I do not operate well in conditions like that. I guess I betta learn though huh. Either that or have NO JOB!!!!
LOL
All I can do is laugh...... I am irritated al-fucking-ready!
All I CAN do is laugh at this point, because I want to scream!!!! Basically.... I have now had my desk moved for the THIRD time in the 9 months that I have been here. I hate change. I want to be someplace and just be. I HATE all of this musical fucking desks. I was JUST getting used to the (albeit bad locale) of the 3rd desk that I was at. I am now in a fuckign OFFICE with 2 other people!!!! I am the SAME situation that I detailed to TS that I said I would DIE if I was in!!!! I am segregated and before though I shared an OPEN-ASS-CUBE with two other people it is WORSE in an office!!! There is no other sound to distract others from YOUR business and being all up in it and because I am no MORE than 5 ft. from the woman (who is like a flighty little grandma type....nice enough) next to me, it will be IMPOSSIBLE for her to NOT hear me if 1. I am conducting business, 2. talking to my husband 3. calling the dr.
I HAVE LESS PRIVACY than I did BEFORE and BEFORE I had virtually NO PRIVACY!!! Being ini this office will do NOTHING be magnify all sounds!!! I can't play no music (I am sure these two white chick, one is young...like 28 or so and grandma) because I am SURE they do not want to hear my "urban" music!!!! And no, I cannot wear headphones all day. I have too much "phone interaction" that I have to have.
So, this morning the NB (New boss or New bitch...take your pick) sends me this "special project" as the e-mail indicated. WHHHHHHHHHHHHHHY was it a LIST of fucking people that quit, got terminated, left for school reason,etc. and these micro-crazy people want to know more abotu "why" they left so she wanted ME to callllllllllllllllll alllllllllllllllllllllllll of these fucking people to do exit interviews on them ........
TODAY!!!!!!!!!! WTF?????
I sent her a message to clarify and have since gotten it widdled down to about 35 people, but guess what? She also wants me to ask them TEN QUESTIONS a piece!!!! WTF!!!! Then I ALSO have other people calling me and other things to do. These people apparently think that I can do 10 things at once. I do not operate well in conditions like that. I guess I betta learn though huh. Either that or have NO JOB!!!!
LOL
All I can do is laugh...... I am irritated al-fucking-ready!
Saturday, September 15, 2007
frustrated
* I was offered the "lower", JUNIOR position on the team for whom I have been working.
* I am glad to still have a job
*I amLIVID FUCKING ANGRY AND PISSED that my pay was CUT due to this change by $8,000 a year. I was told that this is because the "position" dictates the salary....not the person's experience and that they are "now" (see: since they have had their asses chopped in half by the market conditions, they will be cheaper with people). Soooo basically FUCK my 11 years experience that I have in HR..... (this will make a total of $15,000 that my salary was decreased by since last year at this time....I don't need this shit and am therefore looking for another job..... who can afford to have THAT Much cut out of their salaries???????!!!!)
*Some people I work with(as said by my boss) "may have to take as much as a $20,000 job, so my situation ($8K less)" and apparently the bitch acted like I was going to do a real happy dance????? WTF???
* I was told (by my old boss ...who is a young black chick....try 27 years old) that:
1.I may get to get to a "real" position instead of a "junior" position in this team, but that I (to the new leader) have seemed "unengaged" with the new team, but that in my defense she told the new leader (also a BLACK WOMAN who is in her late 40's) that she has seen that in alot of other people who have been displaced and in "temporary" roles and given the uncertainty of our jobs that seeming "unengaged" was not atypical. (well la-di-fucking-da..... ya THINK???? Why would I be "completely engaged" into a job that I didn't know if I had a SOLID chance of staying at???? There was no way I was going to go in like gangbusters and put alllll my sweat equity into something that I MIGHT have been leaving!!! I am like has this bitch (the new boss) ever been through this shit or have a shred of understanding of all of the EMOTIONAL changes and shit that a person goes through at a time like this????? A-fucking-parently NOT!!!
2. I was told that apparently I have been having too many "converstations" with my old team members (2 of them that were still right around the corner from where I sit) and that it's "noticeable"....Well, again.... I needed someone to talk to other than the dry ass people on this team (who I have NO relationshipt with because they just are..... weird...at least the ones I sit near) and so that's a problem apparently, too.)
3.I can "make or break it" meaning, that this position has the "potential" to turn-into a "real position" and not stay a "Jr." one but they want to see that I can "step up" and really get involved because that hasn't been seen as of yet.
4. The new boss apparently saw fit to tell my old boss about a situation that , by all accounts, was simply a LACK OF COMMUNICATION from this *new* leader/team about when some things needed to be entered into the computer by so that some reports could be run. Because of the fact that they have basically not GIVEN me anything except for bullshit-ass BUSY work to do.... and no timeframe was given, I just kept plugging away as I had time between doing time sensitive reports which have to be done within 48-hrs of me receiving them AND helping the chick that I sit next to, who is always sending out emails saying "can someone help me today.... I am over my 40 hrs" (since they are not allowing o.t. since this crackdown). It was a simple misunderstanding, but thisbitch WOMAN decided to for SOME fucking reason tell my OLD boss about it even AFTER she and I had talked about it. That tells me that she is petty. That kinda of bullshit burns me up....it wasn't the 10th time that had happened and I had NOT been in the team long enough to know about typical deadlines,etc. and it ESPECIALLY pisses me of since she's BLACK!!!!!!!!!!!!
So......how do you think my attitude is?
I just need to find another job and I THANK GOD that I have one that pays more than unemployment while I do so! the only thing that makes me hesistant is that this company has alot of good training/continuing training for it's employees that I feel I could benefit from. But I feel like I don't have TIME for all that. Having $8,000 cut from my salary is literally CRITICAL to me living the way that I have. I BARELY had any money left over for shit BEFORE (since I had already taken a $7,000 cut in salary!!!!) I can't stay here for 6 months...or a year to "see" if I can move up and get a better salary! I need that money NOW. PERIOD.
So..... the search begins...again..... with a shit-lovin' smile on my face every.day I am up in there.
*I feel completely down right now and unmotivated.
* I am glad to still have a job
*I am
*Some people I work with(as said by my boss) "may have to take as much as a $20,000 job, so my situation ($8K less)" and apparently the bitch acted like I was going to do a real happy dance????? WTF???
* I was told (by my old boss ...who is a young black chick....try 27 years old) that:
1.I may get to get to a "real" position instead of a "junior" position in this team, but that I (to the new leader) have seemed "unengaged" with the new team, but that in my defense she told the new leader (also a BLACK WOMAN who is in her late 40's) that she has seen that in alot of other people who have been displaced and in "temporary" roles and given the uncertainty of our jobs that seeming "unengaged" was not atypical. (well la-di-fucking-da..... ya THINK???? Why would I be "completely engaged" into a job that I didn't know if I had a SOLID chance of staying at???? There was no way I was going to go in like gangbusters and put alllll my sweat equity into something that I MIGHT have been leaving!!! I am like has this bitch (the new boss) ever been through this shit or have a shred of understanding of all of the EMOTIONAL changes and shit that a person goes through at a time like this????? A-fucking-parently NOT!!!
2. I was told that apparently I have been having too many "converstations" with my old team members (2 of them that were still right around the corner from where I sit) and that it's "noticeable"....
3.I can "make or break it" meaning, that this position has the "potential" to turn-into a "real position" and not stay a "Jr." one but they want to see that I can "step up" and really get involved because that hasn't been seen as of yet.
4. The new boss apparently saw fit to tell my old boss about a situation that , by all accounts, was simply a LACK OF COMMUNICATION from this *new* leader/team about when some things needed to be entered into the computer by so that some reports could be run. Because of the fact that they have basically not GIVEN me anything except for bullshit-ass BUSY work to do.... and no timeframe was given, I just kept plugging away as I had time between doing time sensitive reports which have to be done within 48-hrs of me receiving them AND helping the chick that I sit next to, who is always sending out emails saying "can someone help me today.... I am over my 40 hrs" (since they are not allowing o.t. since this crackdown). It was a simple misunderstanding, but this
So......how do you think my attitude is?
I just need to find another job and I THANK GOD that I have one that pays more than unemployment while I do so! the only thing that makes me hesistant is that this company has alot of good training/continuing training for it's employees that I feel I could benefit from. But I feel like I don't have TIME for all that. Having $8,000 cut from my salary is literally CRITICAL to me living the way that I have. I BARELY had any money left over for shit BEFORE (since I had already taken a $7,000 cut in salary!!!!) I can't stay here for 6 months...or a year to "see" if I can move up and get a better salary! I need that money NOW. PERIOD.
So..... the search begins...again..... with a shit-lovin' smile on my face every.day I am up in there.
*I feel completely down right now and unmotivated.
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
Why.......
….does my hair grow faster now than when it was long?
….do I feel sad because I don’t know if I will ever have another child?
….does this overweight, black, pregnant chick at work look a HOT ASS MESS annnnnnnnnnnnnd why did I see her the other day with a sleeveless shirt on and she had HAIR UNDER HER ARMS????????????????? This is an educated black woman and she is walking around looking like “boom-shaka” !!!!
….am I gonna tell her she need to CUT that pit-hair the NEXT time she has it exposed!!!!!
….has Boss Diva completely alienated herself from the people under her because she obviously doesn’t know how to handle situations like this?
….do cars seem to go slower, side-by –side when you want to get around them????
….do you become the parent to your parents at a certain point in your life?
….do I have to put perm on my hair (the short faded part)every other week just to keep ME from looking like “bushwick”???? **sigh**
….is unemployment too high here in Michigan??
….couldn’t I have won that $314 MILLLLLLION dollars ??
....are people grudge-holding, spiteful and vengeful ?? One day they will wake up alone and angry at themselves…or just die that way….miserable…..
….didn’t I travel more when I was younger?
….didn't I know THEN what I know NOW (inside joke with DIVA…LOL)
…. Do I have to go to this stupid meeting in an hour and I don’t even KNOW if I am about to be booted from this dept.
….do I haaaaaaaaaaaaaate change?
….people with HORRID breath want to get ALL .IN. YOUR. FACE?????
….at work, do I feel everyone know’s some “secret” that I am not being told nowadays?
….do people like assholes?
….do I wonder what it’s like on the “other side” (i.e. death)?
….does dirt seem to gravitate towards my black car?
….why do I write on this thing cause I swear no one reads it…..
….do I feel sad because I don’t know if I will ever have another child?
….does this overweight, black, pregnant chick at work look a HOT ASS MESS annnnnnnnnnnnnd why did I see her the other day with a sleeveless shirt on and she had HAIR UNDER HER ARMS????????????????? This is an educated black woman and she is walking around looking like “boom-shaka” !!!!
….am I gonna tell her she need to CUT that pit-hair the NEXT time she has it exposed!!!!!
….has Boss Diva completely alienated herself from the people under her because she obviously doesn’t know how to handle situations like this?
….do cars seem to go slower, side-by –side when you want to get around them????
….do you become the parent to your parents at a certain point in your life?
….do I have to put perm on my hair (the short faded part)every other week just to keep ME from looking like “bushwick”???? **sigh**
….is unemployment too high here in Michigan??
….couldn’t I have won that $314 MILLLLLLION dollars ??
....are people grudge-holding, spiteful and vengeful ?? One day they will wake up alone and angry at themselves…or just die that way….miserable…..
….didn’t I travel more when I was younger?
….didn't I know THEN what I know NOW (inside joke with DIVA…LOL)
…. Do I have to go to this stupid meeting in an hour and I don’t even KNOW if I am about to be booted from this dept.
….do I haaaaaaaaaaaaaate change?
….people with HORRID breath want to get ALL .IN. YOUR. FACE?????
….at work, do I feel everyone know’s some “secret” that I am not being told nowadays?
….do people like assholes?
….do I wonder what it’s like on the “other side” (i.e. death)?
….does dirt seem to gravitate towards my black car?
….why do I write on this thing cause I swear no one reads it…..
Sunday, September 09, 2007
not again
well... as my worst fears suspected, the meeting was to be worse than I expected. **sigh**
basically, in reading my previous posts you know that my position as a Recruiter has ben "temporarily" paused for lack of a better word due to some changes that have gone on in the industry that I work in. All of the recruiters were placed elsewhere in the company in an effort not to layoff people until the market comes back.
Well, apparently the senior "leadership" (and I use that term VERY frickin loosely), has decided that a change needs to be made and that those who were displaced cannot stay in limbo forever.
Now, I, who had gone to another part of HR was told that basically if you decide to stay in this "new" position that your salary will be adjusted accordingly. That was cool because in talking with the director of this group (who is a 47-50'ish) faily cool black woman, I would be taking on a role like the others in that group and I KNOW (because I have access to folks salaries) that they made MORE than what I was making! So, if I decided to say COOOOOOOL!!!! :-)
Well, on Wednesday I was now told that they do NOT HAVE A PERMANENT POSITION WHERE I CURRENTLY AM and that "we are trying to identify other positions in the company...... here are two positions that were relatively-close in salary".
that shit hit me like a ton of bricks. I never thought that I would have to go ELSEWHERE in the company and that it would be out of HR, out of what I have done for a majority of my adult life (the last 12 years)!
Fear immediately set ina dn I felt a twinge of anguish shoot up my back and into my stomach as I waited for the next words..... "One position is in _____ and the salary is something like ______"...... also "there is another position that is working with _____ and the salary is ____ PLUS commission". WTF?????
I can't work a commissiony/sale-sy position!!!! HELL NO!!!And to top it off the BASE is $15,0000 LESS than what I make right NOW!!!! I cannot AFFORD a $15,000 drop in salary! And the other position ranges from $15,000-20,000 LESS than what I make now! How in the FUCK do they think this is comparable! Why was I told (again) something that was reneged on???????I am beginning to not believe all of the HYPE that was infused into my and every other new employee's brains. It all seems like a farce to me at this point
I was numb. Too numb to cry, too numb to do anything but keep chewing my gum and keep looking forward.....just keep looking forward..... keep looking ....
As I left the meeting my co-worker that I used to sit next to , had a meeting with my boss and went in to have his head chopped. Immediately after him, our other co-worker went into have her head chopped. I went to go to the bathroom and saw the two of them in the hall. My boy (who is black and is the ex-brother-in-law of one of my good friends) looked at me with the shock of someone who had seen a dead body laying next to him or something and was like "We need to talk...". I said "no we don;t". He said "We need to talk". I said "No we don't". He said "didn't you just have a meting with Boss Diva?" ...."yup"...... "well....we need to talk". I said "no we need to PRAY. That stopped him and me and he just nodded and we both half laughed and said "yeah.... you are right". I was beginning to unravel. This felt like what I JUST.FRICKIN.WENT.THROUGH not 8 months ago1 I went back to my desk. It was now 4:40. I had several things to do before I left and I was not sure if I was going to make it because I could feel the tears coming.....
I went and got my son and went home. I am so glad my mom is here still because I do not think I could've made it that night alone. My husband is working VERY long hours because he is entrenched in contract negotiations for the UAW, so I KNEW he COULD NOT be home to make me feel better. I pretty much cried all night. I couldn't sleep and am still scared. It is good that if I have to, I will probably have something, which is better than nothing. I will definitely be looking though.
My girls DIVA and TOO SERIOUS immediately started to help me look for new positions. I love them and am blessed to have them :-)I am trying to have faith , but it is hard because I know that I have to just get out there and find something and that ain't easy. Michigan's economy is bad. But I guess if I just let it go, God will make a way.... he always does. I am just scared....again.......
So say a prayer for ya girl.... I am trying not to worry and to just let go and let God.... I really am....
basically, in reading my previous posts you know that my position as a Recruiter has ben "temporarily" paused for lack of a better word due to some changes that have gone on in the industry that I work in. All of the recruiters were placed elsewhere in the company in an effort not to layoff people until the market comes back.
Well, apparently the senior "leadership" (and I use that term VERY frickin loosely), has decided that a change needs to be made and that those who were displaced cannot stay in limbo forever.
Now, I, who had gone to another part of HR was told that basically if you decide to stay in this "new" position that your salary will be adjusted accordingly. That was cool because in talking with the director of this group (who is a 47-50'ish) faily cool black woman, I would be taking on a role like the others in that group and I KNOW (because I have access to folks salaries) that they made MORE than what I was making! So, if I decided to say COOOOOOOL!!!! :-)
Well, on Wednesday I was now told that they do NOT HAVE A PERMANENT POSITION WHERE I CURRENTLY AM and that "we are trying to identify other positions in the company...... here are two positions that were relatively-close in salary".
that shit hit me like a ton of bricks. I never thought that I would have to go ELSEWHERE in the company and that it would be out of HR, out of what I have done for a majority of my adult life (the last 12 years)!
Fear immediately set ina dn I felt a twinge of anguish shoot up my back and into my stomach as I waited for the next words..... "One position is in _____ and the salary is something like ______"...... also "there is another position that is working with _____ and the salary is ____ PLUS commission". WTF?????
I can't work a commissiony/sale-sy position!!!! HELL NO!!!And to top it off the BASE is $15,0000 LESS than what I make right NOW!!!! I cannot AFFORD a $15,000 drop in salary! And the other position ranges from $15,000-20,000 LESS than what I make now! How in the FUCK do they think this is comparable! Why was I told (again) something that was reneged on???????I am beginning to not believe all of the HYPE that was infused into my and every other new employee's brains. It all seems like a farce to me at this point
I was numb. Too numb to cry, too numb to do anything but keep chewing my gum and keep looking forward.....just keep looking forward..... keep looking ....
As I left the meeting my co-worker that I used to sit next to , had a meeting with my boss and went in to have his head chopped. Immediately after him, our other co-worker went into have her head chopped. I went to go to the bathroom and saw the two of them in the hall. My boy (who is black and is the ex-brother-in-law of one of my good friends) looked at me with the shock of someone who had seen a dead body laying next to him or something and was like "We need to talk...". I said "no we don;t". He said "We need to talk". I said "No we don't". He said "didn't you just have a meting with Boss Diva?" ...."yup"...... "well....we need to talk". I said "no we need to PRAY. That stopped him and me and he just nodded and we both half laughed and said "yeah.... you are right". I was beginning to unravel. This felt like what I JUST.FRICKIN.WENT.THROUGH not 8 months ago1 I went back to my desk. It was now 4:40. I had several things to do before I left and I was not sure if I was going to make it because I could feel the tears coming.....
I went and got my son and went home. I am so glad my mom is here still because I do not think I could've made it that night alone. My husband is working VERY long hours because he is entrenched in contract negotiations for the UAW, so I KNEW he COULD NOT be home to make me feel better. I pretty much cried all night. I couldn't sleep and am still scared. It is good that if I have to, I will probably have something, which is better than nothing. I will definitely be looking though.
My girls DIVA and TOO SERIOUS immediately started to help me look for new positions. I love them and am blessed to have them :-)I am trying to have faith , but it is hard because I know that I have to just get out there and find something and that ain't easy. Michigan's economy is bad. But I guess if I just let it go, God will make a way.... he always does. I am just scared....again.......
So say a prayer for ya girl.... I am trying not to worry and to just let go and let God.... I really am....
Wednesday, September 05, 2007
Positioning
I think I wrote about all the changes at my job.....if you didn't read it, basically because there are alot of changes going on in the market that we are in, the decision was reached that NO recruiters (that's me)were needed becaused there was NO recruiting going on.
So, since August 1 or so, I have been in this "other" department in HR...the Employee Relations dept (the dept that deals with write-ups, disciplines, counselings, training....e.e. all the fucked up problems). But since I have been here alllllllllllllllllllllll I have been doing is bullshit ass "clerical/admin" work! Basically DATA entry! Now.... because this position is supposed to be "temporary" until the market comes back (and who knows when that will be), I am not an official part of this team.
So, I have not been doing the function of a "real" employee relations specialist. Cool... whatever.... but not really. I am tired of data entry. Sooooo today I get a request from my "recruiting" leader to "meet today at 4:00-4:30 to discuss the Recruiting Team updates".
So, I am thinking that since this was a "team" update that the "team" is on the invite list. nope. I call my girl who is on our "recruiting team" and she has no idea what I am talking about. WTF????
So, I am assuming that my leaded, Boss Diva, is about to tell me that they will NOT be bringing my position back and that I need to make a decision to stay in this NEW position PERMANENTLY or else. I am not happy about this. My husband thinks this is good because if I am made to be a "real" employee relations specialist it SHOULD mean more money because that position pays higher than most recruiters. Here's the problem though..... this company has shut DOWN excess spending and I have a feeling that they will be trying to NOT increase my pay and nickel and dime me and if I ACCEPT IT, I will NEVER get to the salary level that my husband is so "anticipatorily excited" about. Because once you accept LESS.... they know you can and WILL take LESS!
My meeting isn't until 4:00 and it sooooo pisses me off that she makes this shit for LATE in the dayum day! If you got shitty news tell me NOW! But the kicker is ....I am not sure if I even WANT to stay in this dept..... roles are so specific and polarized in this company and I hate not having a more "generalist" type of role. It makes me wanna start looking for a new job that PAYS me what I NEED to get paid! I feel like I am constantly getting the SHAFT when it comes to the $$$$ !!
We got (after management going back and fuckin forth FOREVER abotu whether or not to GIVE us one) our bonus's. Now..... when I was hired, it was said "Robyn we can;t get you to the salary you want (about $10K more than what I make and used to make), but with bonus I am sure we can. But what did management do? Cut EVERYBODY's BONUS! How about my AFTER taxes bonus was LESS than $1,000! Yeah, yeah, yeah I know what you are saying...... be happy you got anything. And I am. But it's the principal of it all. When all of recruiting was displaced, we were told BY THE RECRUITING DIRECTOR that our bonus's would NOT be affected! And they reneged!!!!!
Oh well... I am through bitching for now...... I will let ya'll know what happened........
So, since August 1 or so, I have been in this "other" department in HR...the Employee Relations dept (the dept that deals with write-ups, disciplines, counselings, training....e.e. all the fucked up problems). But since I have been here alllllllllllllllllllllll I have been doing is bullshit ass "clerical/admin" work! Basically DATA entry! Now.... because this position is supposed to be "temporary" until the market comes back (and who knows when that will be), I am not an official part of this team.
So, I have not been doing the function of a "real" employee relations specialist. Cool... whatever.... but not really. I am tired of data entry. Sooooo today I get a request from my "recruiting" leader to "meet today at 4:00-4:30 to discuss the Recruiting Team updates".
So, I am thinking that since this was a "team" update that the "team" is on the invite list. nope. I call my girl who is on our "recruiting team" and she has no idea what I am talking about. WTF????
So, I am assuming that my leaded, Boss Diva, is about to tell me that they will NOT be bringing my position back and that I need to make a decision to stay in this NEW position PERMANENTLY or else. I am not happy about this. My husband thinks this is good because if I am made to be a "real" employee relations specialist it SHOULD mean more money because that position pays higher than most recruiters. Here's the problem though..... this company has shut DOWN excess spending and I have a feeling that they will be trying to NOT increase my pay and nickel and dime me and if I ACCEPT IT, I will NEVER get to the salary level that my husband is so "anticipatorily excited" about. Because once you accept LESS.... they know you can and WILL take LESS!
My meeting isn't until 4:00 and it sooooo pisses me off that she makes this shit for LATE in the dayum day! If you got shitty news tell me NOW! But the kicker is ....I am not sure if I even WANT to stay in this dept..... roles are so specific and polarized in this company and I hate not having a more "generalist" type of role. It makes me wanna start looking for a new job that PAYS me what I NEED to get paid! I feel like I am constantly getting the SHAFT when it comes to the $$$$ !!
We got (after management going back and fuckin forth FOREVER abotu whether or not to GIVE us one) our bonus's. Now..... when I was hired, it was said "Robyn we can;t get you to the salary you want (about $10K more than what I make and used to make), but with bonus I am sure we can. But what did management do? Cut EVERYBODY's BONUS! How about my AFTER taxes bonus was LESS than $1,000! Yeah, yeah, yeah I know what you are saying...... be happy you got anything. And I am. But it's the principal of it all. When all of recruiting was displaced, we were told BY THE RECRUITING DIRECTOR that our bonus's would NOT be affected! And they reneged!!!!!
Oh well... I am through bitching for now...... I will let ya'll know what happened........
Tuesday, September 04, 2007
So.... my mom is here and me and my husband haven;t been anywhere ***dead look**
As much as we complain about NOT having a babsitter, we just OUGHTTA be going somewhere! But it is just nice to be able to SIT ON MY ASS and not have to worry about the little one! Sometimes, that is just as nice.
So, we go over to her long time friend's house and her friend is moving to California to be closer to HER son and his wife and daughter! So, you know me.... I was like "you need to buy THIS condo and move here!". Her friend agreed and chimed RIGHT.IN. on the "you need to move closer to your daughter...especially since you passed out last week!" bandwagon.
Her friend's condo is like 10 minutes or less in the SAME suburb that I live in and is a ranch style condo with plenty of space and a big ass basement. Perfect.
Now, I know that there are a couple things to take care of ....ya know.... getting a DIVORCE from the jackass she is "technically" married to, but has been seperated from (thank GOD for small miracles) from since sometime last year, getting the condo sold and then pakcking and moving. I am really turning this over to God because she NEEDS to be here. She really does. That place she has is a money pit and she keeps having to sink $$ into it. She is on a fixed income and MY budget is stressed as is (see: I can't really help you out cause I am using ALL my lil $$ to keep MY family afloat). That may sound bad, but it's simply the reality. I could help with incidental, occasional things, but I can't subsidize her monthly income and because she has all these medications and shit (she will be 73 this year) and because Medicare is not great on the perscriptions, she be needing money to supplement.
Also, shit is jsut expensive in Florida where she lives! I hate that she is on a fixed income and I am not in the financial position to just be Daughter-Money-Bags....so... I feel that the next BEST thing is to have her be here....in her own place (you know she is independent and besides she SMOKES which is a big HELL-FUCK-NAW in my crib....) and she will have more cash to enjoy her life AND be closer to me!
YEA! We all win!!! :-) Will keep ya posted......
As much as we complain about NOT having a babsitter, we just OUGHTTA be going somewhere! But it is just nice to be able to SIT ON MY ASS and not have to worry about the little one! Sometimes, that is just as nice.
So, we go over to her long time friend's house and her friend is moving to California to be closer to HER son and his wife and daughter! So, you know me.... I was like "you need to buy THIS condo and move here!". Her friend agreed and chimed RIGHT.IN. on the "you need to move closer to your daughter...especially since you passed out last week!" bandwagon.
Her friend's condo is like 10 minutes or less in the SAME suburb that I live in and is a ranch style condo with plenty of space and a big ass basement. Perfect.
Now, I know that there are a couple things to take care of ....ya know.... getting a DIVORCE from the jackass she is "technically" married to, but has been seperated from (thank GOD for small miracles) from since sometime last year, getting the condo sold and then pakcking and moving. I am really turning this over to God because she NEEDS to be here. She really does. That place she has is a money pit and she keeps having to sink $$ into it. She is on a fixed income and MY budget is stressed as is (see: I can't really help you out cause I am using ALL my lil $$ to keep MY family afloat). That may sound bad, but it's simply the reality. I could help with incidental, occasional things, but I can't subsidize her monthly income and because she has all these medications and shit (she will be 73 this year) and because Medicare is not great on the perscriptions, she be needing money to supplement.
Also, shit is jsut expensive in Florida where she lives! I hate that she is on a fixed income and I am not in the financial position to just be Daughter-Money-Bags....so... I feel that the next BEST thing is to have her be here....in her own place (you know she is independent and besides she SMOKES which is a big HELL-FUCK-NAW in my crib....) and she will have more cash to enjoy her life AND be closer to me!
YEA! We all win!!! :-) Will keep ya posted......
Saturday, September 01, 2007
baby love
So, my niece told the family that she is pregnant abotu two weeks ago and I am very happy for her! She is 25, got married last year to the guy she's been "whatevering" with, since she was 14. The family loves him and he really is a great guy! She is a colleg grad and is going back to grad school. Though with this announcement, she may delay going back a lil.
The family got together to celebrate this and her birthday which was Aug. 15. She told me that the pregnancy was planned and I , for one, was shocked ! She and I have alllllways joked around about who "would be next" and I was always like uh.... I have one... YOU are next! And she would be like "naw....I got about 4-5 years...naw....". But look what done happened! LOL She said that she stopped taking her "birth control" and the next month VOILA! She was pregnant!
So, she calles me yesterday and I didn;t get the phone and she then texts me the following:
All I have to say is....not one, but TWO BABIES
WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAT??????????????? this heffa is having twins!!! LOL I was cracking up when I heard THIS!!! WOW! Twins!!!!!! I cannot believe it!!! :-) So ya KNOW the girl is scared! But she will have plenty of help, so she will be aw-ight :-)
We will love them babies and my little one will have two new cousins to play with and spoil.
Good times :-)
ENJOY YOUR HOLIDAY!!!
The family got together to celebrate this and her birthday which was Aug. 15. She told me that the pregnancy was planned and I , for one, was shocked ! She and I have alllllways joked around about who "would be next" and I was always like uh.... I have one... YOU are next! And she would be like "naw....I got about 4-5 years...naw....". But look what done happened! LOL She said that she stopped taking her "birth control" and the next month VOILA! She was pregnant!
So, she calles me yesterday and I didn;t get the phone and she then texts me the following:
All I have to say is....not one, but TWO BABIES
WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAT??????????????? this heffa is having twins!!! LOL I was cracking up when I heard THIS!!! WOW! Twins!!!!!! I cannot believe it!!! :-) So ya KNOW the girl is scared! But she will have plenty of help, so she will be aw-ight :-)
We will love them babies and my little one will have two new cousins to play with and spoil.
Good times :-)
ENJOY YOUR HOLIDAY!!!
Sunday, August 26, 2007
count
So, I am sitting here on Sunday morning...awake at 6:15 am...actually I have been awake since about 5:15.... I can't sleep.
My mother is here visiting from Florida and yesterday, she almost died. No, I am serious. My mother is diabetic and went into a diabetic insulin shock because she had taken her medicine at 7:30 anad had not had ANYTHING to eat (which I didn't know), and by 9:30 she started to feel like she needed to eat something.
I have seen that look before. I had a friend who was diabetic and because he too had a habit of giving himself a SHOT and not eating properly,every once in a while he would get what I call "the diabetic look". I think she had a slower reaction than he did because her insulin is in pill-form. The look she had was distinct. It is a mixture of "I really don't feel well, I am needing something IMMEDIATELY and I need it QUICK becuase I have waited to long". So, when I was sitting here trying to make breakfast, I saw the look when she said "i think I need to eat something". I said " you want some orange juice?" (because orange juice gets sugar into the bloodstream quickly and because I knew that that's why my friend used to drink when he took his insulin to balance out the chemical reaction that was going on in his body).
She said yes. I was sitting down and got up and began to get it for her. My 3-yr old was running aaround like he usually does and my husband (whose back was hurting) was upstairs laying down with a heating pad on his back. I gave her the o.j. and she drank some and said "put some sugar in it". I was in denial but a twinge of pain shot up into my heart because what that request meant was I am feeling bad QUICKLY and I need MORE sugar to get into my system FASTER . By this time, she was sweating (this too is an effect of your blood sugar dropping too low). I was then getting scared but was trying to ignore the panic I was beginning to really feel. She drank some of the o.j./sugar mix and was looking even sweatier. I said "do you want to lie down" and she said yes. I said "do you feel like you can get up?" She said "yeah, but I might just stay right here". I said "o.k.". About a minute more went by. I busied myself in the kitchen starting to take the frying pan out to begin making breakfast, to stave my mind from the thought that I was thinking "please sugar, get in her system...please sugar get in her system" , while praying that she would not get worse. I I put the pan on the stove and turned on the eye. I was talking to her and looking at her to see if she was alright and she started shaking and convulsing and as I ran over to her shouting "Mama!" she passed out. I began screaming for my husband and he came rushing down the stairs with the heating pad still strapped to his back.
She was unconscious and unresponsive with her eyes open, for about 30 seconds and I thought she was going to die. I was shouting to her and she was clammy and hot. I swear it was the longest 30 seconds of my life. She slowly began to come to and get her faculties..... I was already on the phone with 911 before she came to. She finally after what seemed like an ETERNITY (but was only seconds)began to come to. When she was kinda coming to she was moaning in a way that is still haunting to me. She woke up and heard me on the phone and was like "what are you doing?" (because she heard me giving them info about her on the phone). I said " I am calling 911 because you passed out and went into Insulin Shock !!". I said, "you passed out!". She said "No, I didn't". Me and my husband said "YES YOU DID".(she has no memory after drinking the sugar/o.j. concoction to the point where she said "what are you doing" as I was on the phone). My husband put my son upstairs and the paramedics were already here. The Fire Truck AND the EMS came. Fortunately, we have a fire house on the VERY NEXT street next to ours so they were here quickly. Literally by the time they got here she was awake and alert. Her blood sugar, apparently rising.
I was about to fall apart. I was trying not to cry because I didn't want her to see me cry and she knows that I am not real good in high stress situations because I am a worier. As a matter of fact, she USUALLY won't tell me if she needs to have a test or something if it seems "suspicisous" by her dr's because she knows how I worry. My mother is the only thing I have , and yet she refuses to move back to Michigan from Florida. She's gotten used to having "no snow" ans simply doesn't want to live here. And I cannot uproot me and my husbands' careers to move there. That's unrealistic. So, I have deaded the converstaion because it's always at a stalemate with her. But now.... after this..... We will have a talk before she leaves, just me and her.
I am her only child and she is my only parent (my father died 13 years ago...as well, all of my grandparents are dead too). Her side of the family has always been small,so there are no brother's & sisters, cousins, aunts, uncles,etc. ...I am it. But she is stubborrn. I am going to try to persuade her to come back here. She is 72 years old and does everything that you or I can do, but she has a few medical issues...nothing acutely life threatening (diabetes, high blood pressure, glaucoma) but things that if something like this were to go awry again, I would not be able to do SHIT to get to her within 6-12 hours! She does have an old ass cousin (yes I said it) who is OLDER and half-feeble, that is down there, and a half-dependable girlfriend she made down there but that sooooo does not make me feel better. My mother is more of a loner....never been the partying type, more of the shy. reserved, stay at home type, hence her not having made more than 2 real friends (one of them a cousin she reconncected with) since she's been down there (excluding men she dated and the fool she married since she's been down there). She blamed this "incident" on the fact that her dr. had given her a different medicine. Whatever. You need to be closer. My mother is VERY independent and VERRRRRRY obstinate. Truth is .... I can't make her move. As a matter of fact... I had ALREADY been trying to get her to move because shit it TOO expensive.
Anyway.... the paramedics tested her blood sugar and it was 141 (a little high for a "regular" blood sugar, but since she had basically a "shot" of sugar..... it was expected. A normal blod sugar is typically between 70-120). But I think "what if I had not suggested the orange juice? What if I had not HAD orange juice" (the only reason I had it was because I had been SICK a couple weeks ago and had it left over....we do not drink orange juice), what if I had been upstairs alseep and my hisband was just lying there and it was just her and my son???? She didn't make enough noise that I woulda heard her in my OWN HOUSE!
But that wasn't the reality. God had me right where I was supposed to be and had me become more aware of my blessings. My mother is fine and we actually went out and went shopping yesterday afternoon.
So , on this Sunday, the day before my 37th birthday, I count my blessings. count, count, count.
My mother is here visiting from Florida and yesterday, she almost died. No, I am serious. My mother is diabetic and went into a diabetic insulin shock because she had taken her medicine at 7:30 anad had not had ANYTHING to eat (which I didn't know), and by 9:30 she started to feel like she needed to eat something.
I have seen that look before. I had a friend who was diabetic and because he too had a habit of giving himself a SHOT and not eating properly,every once in a while he would get what I call "the diabetic look". I think she had a slower reaction than he did because her insulin is in pill-form. The look she had was distinct. It is a mixture of "I really don't feel well, I am needing something IMMEDIATELY and I need it QUICK becuase I have waited to long". So, when I was sitting here trying to make breakfast, I saw the look when she said "i think I need to eat something". I said " you want some orange juice?" (because orange juice gets sugar into the bloodstream quickly and because I knew that that's why my friend used to drink when he took his insulin to balance out the chemical reaction that was going on in his body).
She said yes. I was sitting down and got up and began to get it for her. My 3-yr old was running aaround like he usually does and my husband (whose back was hurting) was upstairs laying down with a heating pad on his back. I gave her the o.j. and she drank some and said "put some sugar in it". I was in denial but a twinge of pain shot up into my heart because what that request meant was I am feeling bad QUICKLY and I need MORE sugar to get into my system FASTER . By this time, she was sweating (this too is an effect of your blood sugar dropping too low). I was then getting scared but was trying to ignore the panic I was beginning to really feel. She drank some of the o.j./sugar mix and was looking even sweatier. I said "do you want to lie down" and she said yes. I said "do you feel like you can get up?" She said "yeah, but I might just stay right here". I said "o.k.". About a minute more went by. I busied myself in the kitchen starting to take the frying pan out to begin making breakfast, to stave my mind from the thought that I was thinking "please sugar, get in her system...please sugar get in her system" , while praying that she would not get worse. I I put the pan on the stove and turned on the eye. I was talking to her and looking at her to see if she was alright and she started shaking and convulsing and as I ran over to her shouting "Mama!" she passed out. I began screaming for my husband and he came rushing down the stairs with the heating pad still strapped to his back.
She was unconscious and unresponsive with her eyes open, for about 30 seconds and I thought she was going to die. I was shouting to her and she was clammy and hot. I swear it was the longest 30 seconds of my life. She slowly began to come to and get her faculties..... I was already on the phone with 911 before she came to. She finally after what seemed like an ETERNITY (but was only seconds)began to come to. When she was kinda coming to she was moaning in a way that is still haunting to me. She woke up and heard me on the phone and was like "what are you doing?" (because she heard me giving them info about her on the phone). I said " I am calling 911 because you passed out and went into Insulin Shock !!". I said, "you passed out!". She said "No, I didn't". Me and my husband said "YES YOU DID".(she has no memory after drinking the sugar/o.j. concoction to the point where she said "what are you doing" as I was on the phone). My husband put my son upstairs and the paramedics were already here. The Fire Truck AND the EMS came. Fortunately, we have a fire house on the VERY NEXT street next to ours so they were here quickly. Literally by the time they got here she was awake and alert. Her blood sugar, apparently rising.
I was about to fall apart. I was trying not to cry because I didn't want her to see me cry and she knows that I am not real good in high stress situations because I am a worier. As a matter of fact, she USUALLY won't tell me if she needs to have a test or something if it seems "suspicisous" by her dr's because she knows how I worry. My mother is the only thing I have , and yet she refuses to move back to Michigan from Florida. She's gotten used to having "no snow" ans simply doesn't want to live here. And I cannot uproot me and my husbands' careers to move there. That's unrealistic. So, I have deaded the converstaion because it's always at a stalemate with her. But now.... after this..... We will have a talk before she leaves, just me and her.
I am her only child and she is my only parent (my father died 13 years ago...as well, all of my grandparents are dead too). Her side of the family has always been small,so there are no brother's & sisters, cousins, aunts, uncles,etc. ...I am it. But she is stubborrn. I am going to try to persuade her to come back here. She is 72 years old and does everything that you or I can do, but she has a few medical issues...nothing acutely life threatening (diabetes, high blood pressure, glaucoma) but things that if something like this were to go awry again, I would not be able to do SHIT to get to her within 6-12 hours! She does have an old ass cousin (yes I said it) who is OLDER and half-feeble, that is down there, and a half-dependable girlfriend she made down there but that sooooo does not make me feel better. My mother is more of a loner....never been the partying type, more of the shy. reserved, stay at home type, hence her not having made more than 2 real friends (one of them a cousin she reconncected with) since she's been down there (excluding men she dated and the fool she married since she's been down there). She blamed this "incident" on the fact that her dr. had given her a different medicine. Whatever. You need to be closer. My mother is VERY independent and VERRRRRRY obstinate. Truth is .... I can't make her move. As a matter of fact... I had ALREADY been trying to get her to move because shit it TOO expensive.
Anyway.... the paramedics tested her blood sugar and it was 141 (a little high for a "regular" blood sugar, but since she had basically a "shot" of sugar..... it was expected. A normal blod sugar is typically between 70-120). But I think "what if I had not suggested the orange juice? What if I had not HAD orange juice" (the only reason I had it was because I had been SICK a couple weeks ago and had it left over....we do not drink orange juice), what if I had been upstairs alseep and my hisband was just lying there and it was just her and my son???? She didn't make enough noise that I woulda heard her in my OWN HOUSE!
But that wasn't the reality. God had me right where I was supposed to be and had me become more aware of my blessings. My mother is fine and we actually went out and went shopping yesterday afternoon.
So , on this Sunday, the day before my 37th birthday, I count my blessings. count, count, count.
Saturday, August 04, 2007
Where is your life going and who is going with you?
So, I have been sitting her contemplating while I am SICK AS HELL with a frickin SUMMER HEAD COLD (can you say MAD???)about things that shape our lives and this documentary called "the Secret" not to long ago.
The Secret was basically to me saying that you have what you ask for and want to get and attract into your life. It touches on the religious and things that many of us were told as youngsters "jsut ask Gord (the universe) for it and believe it, and it will be done", "thank the universe (God) for it and believe that it is already done".
It is interesting because one thing that was said was that we have EXACTLY what we have attracted, into our our lives. I find that perplexing and kinda believe it in the whole realm of "karma". In that vein, I want to know what i did to deserve some of the treatment I am getting right now? (good and bad) I sit and think, what did I do to deserve the treatment I am getting by people in my life (good and bad). Can I change it by simply believing that I want something different? Maybe I don't have enough faith, because it sometimes seems far fetched. I loose faith in things that I thought were steadfast more and more everyday, because it seems as if in the end, like my mama said, you can only count on YOU.
So, what does it profit you to care about people, have friends,etc. They will all dissapoint you in the end, right? Or is your dissapointment a reflection of you putting too many eggs in their basket? I have dichotomous feelings about it. After all, I do believe that you can never know the greatest love, friendship,etc. without taking the greatest risk. But apparently, everyone doesn't believe in the ideals that I do. Things that were here today can be gone tomorrow.
There are cards that have been dealt to me that I do not feel have been fair and it bothers me to no end. But I also know that "what you focus on, you find", so fuck it and all that came with it because if it means me no good, it is time for it to go. And in keeping with this "secret", and wanting my life to go to different places, I guess it was for the best. After all, everyhing happens for a reason or a season, and I guess this season is over.
I want to be happier and less stressed. Truly.... and in that desire, I feel the real secret of happiness lies.
The Secret was basically to me saying that you have what you ask for and want to get and attract into your life. It touches on the religious and things that many of us were told as youngsters "jsut ask Gord (the universe) for it and believe it, and it will be done", "thank the universe (God) for it and believe that it is already done".
It is interesting because one thing that was said was that we have EXACTLY what we have attracted, into our our lives. I find that perplexing and kinda believe it in the whole realm of "karma". In that vein, I want to know what i did to deserve some of the treatment I am getting right now? (good and bad) I sit and think, what did I do to deserve the treatment I am getting by people in my life (good and bad). Can I change it by simply believing that I want something different? Maybe I don't have enough faith, because it sometimes seems far fetched. I loose faith in things that I thought were steadfast more and more everyday, because it seems as if in the end, like my mama said, you can only count on YOU.
So, what does it profit you to care about people, have friends,etc. They will all dissapoint you in the end, right? Or is your dissapointment a reflection of you putting too many eggs in their basket? I have dichotomous feelings about it. After all, I do believe that you can never know the greatest love, friendship,etc. without taking the greatest risk. But apparently, everyone doesn't believe in the ideals that I do. Things that were here today can be gone tomorrow.
There are cards that have been dealt to me that I do not feel have been fair and it bothers me to no end. But I also know that "what you focus on, you find", so fuck it and all that came with it because if it means me no good, it is time for it to go. And in keeping with this "secret", and wanting my life to go to different places, I guess it was for the best. After all, everyhing happens for a reason or a season, and I guess this season is over.
I want to be happier and less stressed. Truly.... and in that desire, I feel the real secret of happiness lies.
Wednesday, August 01, 2007
Can someone tell me
When it became a sin for you and your husband (or live-in boyfriend) to know where the other is or what plans the other has??? I meant to post about this long ago, but forgot, and we were talking abotu this at work again the other day, so I felt I needed to get this out.
I am of the notion that it is simply courteous to let your partner (ESPECIALLY if you are married) , know where you are/what plans you have. Now, I know there are some people (men and women) who disagree and do not like to be “questioned” as to their whereabouts.
I say, hell no. TBut more over...that would NEVER fly with me. #1, I have a kid and if something happens, wouldn’t you feel like crap if you found out that something happened to your child WAAAY late because all you let your spouse know was “I’m out” and was nowhere to be found. But even if I DIDN'T have a kid, it's just courtesy because you are NO LONGER living alone and no longer just out for self. If you are living together (married or not) it IS a partnership, not a "do as I want when I want to" scenario. Or at least to me it should not be.
Some people feel it’s confining. To them, I say “well you need to live by your FUCKING self!” Having your significant other/spouse/partner know where you are to ME should be as natural as breathing and should NOT be that difficult! My boss is one ‘nem people. She is not married, nor does she live with her of 8+ year boyfriend. She said she HAAATES is when he asks her “where is she going?”. I’m like “WHY?” and she’s like “Because I am grown and I don’t need to answer to anyone and I don’t ask HIM where he is going! So, why should he ask ME”. I’m like, the only reason you DON’T ask is because you don’t WANT him to!!! And believe me folks, my boss (though she’s a young as hell black chick) is a REAL.OLD.SOUL. and is verrrry goody-goody (meaning, she pretty much probably wouldn’t step on a fly!), so I can almost BET MONEY on the fact that she ain’t cheating or nothing (for those of ya’ll that thought that). She just has a real problem with feeling like she NEEDS to and is EXPECTED to tell someone her whereabouts. I’m thinking, well sista….. you gon have a haaaaaaard way to go. Or maybe not…maybe ya’ll will just both be like “I’ll see ya when I see ya”. But that sounds like a roommate and not a MATE to me.
Being courteous enough to tell someone “hey, I’m going to the library today, I’ll be back in a few hours" or whatever should NOT be that taxing..... I'm just saying ya'll. What happened to respect?????
I am of the notion that it is simply courteous to let your partner (ESPECIALLY if you are married) , know where you are/what plans you have. Now, I know there are some people (men and women) who disagree and do not like to be “questioned” as to their whereabouts.
I say, hell no. TBut more over...that would NEVER fly with me. #1, I have a kid and if something happens, wouldn’t you feel like crap if you found out that something happened to your child WAAAY late because all you let your spouse know was “I’m out” and was nowhere to be found. But even if I DIDN'T have a kid, it's just courtesy because you are NO LONGER living alone and no longer just out for self. If you are living together (married or not) it IS a partnership, not a "do as I want when I want to" scenario. Or at least to me it should not be.
Some people feel it’s confining. To them, I say “well you need to live by your FUCKING self!” Having your significant other/spouse/partner know where you are to ME should be as natural as breathing and should NOT be that difficult! My boss is one ‘nem people. She is not married, nor does she live with her of 8+ year boyfriend. She said she HAAATES is when he asks her “where is she going?”. I’m like “WHY?” and she’s like “Because I am grown and I don’t need to answer to anyone and I don’t ask HIM where he is going! So, why should he ask ME”. I’m like, the only reason you DON’T ask is because you don’t WANT him to!!! And believe me folks, my boss (though she’s a young as hell black chick) is a REAL.OLD.SOUL. and is verrrry goody-goody (meaning, she pretty much probably wouldn’t step on a fly!), so I can almost BET MONEY on the fact that she ain’t cheating or nothing (for those of ya’ll that thought that). She just has a real problem with feeling like she NEEDS to and is EXPECTED to tell someone her whereabouts. I’m thinking, well sista….. you gon have a haaaaaaard way to go. Or maybe not…maybe ya’ll will just both be like “I’ll see ya when I see ya”. But that sounds like a roommate and not a MATE to me.
Being courteous enough to tell someone “hey, I’m going to the library today, I’ll be back in a few hours" or whatever should NOT be that taxing..... I'm just saying ya'll. What happened to respect?????
Sunday, July 29, 2007
Dream deferred...
So, I am depressed.
Well, more like severely dissapointed. Why? Because I just found out yesterday that now is not a good time to buy a new house and that numbers-wise we simply CANNOT afford to move. Housing prices for sellers are TERRIBLE and how about the real estate company that we are working with just told us that based on the area, the market value of the homes in our area, and what the costs potentially associated with selling a home (including a whopping $10,500 to THEIR asses alone as our "marketers"), they recommended that we put the house on the market for TWENTY-THOUSAND LESS THAN WHAT WE PAID FOR THIS BITCH THREE YEARS AGO! WHAT THE FUCK!!! And you KNOOOOOW that you never take a "offered" price for a home when you are looking, so that would mean we could come out like as much as $30-40,000 less than what we paid!!! HELL NO! We cannot afford to take a LOSS like that!!!!! We ain't got $30-40K just sitting there in the bank to pay off our CURRENT mortgage and get into another one!
I am so angry. More at myself though because I feel utterly and completely trapped because I can do nothing but wait.... til whenever....... After we moved here I realized something that in my blind impatient desire to get this house did not realize: This may not have been the best move. Why do I say that? Well.... seeing as though I knew NOTHING about how homes appreciate, how areas appreciate,etc. I went on pure emotion and the condition of the house: New. My husband also wanted new and definitely wanted to get a house too. Now, he takes my "dissapointment" as his "fault" because he is the "man" of the house. I tell him it's not his fault, but he feels guilty about us NOT being able to do what we wanna do (i.e. move) and so I try not to talk about it....cause TRUST this topic is never far from my mind and leave it to me, I'd be talking about it QUITE a bit. But I don't because I don't want him to feel bad.
When we got this house, we both wanted a "new construction" home, but the homes that we were looking at as potential "new construction" homes were either tooooo far from EVERYTHING (i.e. a 45-50min commute ONE WAY in NO TRAFFIC) or were too old for what we wanted. I cannot do a long commute, as a matter of fact, I think those who can should be commended! I also did not want to inherit other folks "cover up" jobs that they may have done in a home, on my first purchase. So, we got approved and began to look.
The house that we found are are in today is a new construction home smack dab in the middle of a LOOOOONG time established neighborhood,( but in a central location, close to people north, south, east and west of us. We are really in the middle of the metro-area.) What does that mean? That the homes that are here went through the "quick appreciation" in value 30 years ago and that our MORE EXPENSIVE home will not appreciate that much, that quick since everyone elses shit is old as dirt. And my home (though smaller in sq ft. than most of the homes near us tht are older) cost about $40K MORE than the older homes around us and therefore when they look at the area (as buyers would), this house probably wasn't worth what we bought it for, for the area. But I wanted a new home because my son was about 4 months old and I did NOT want to be in an apt and our lease was up anyway. Now I feel stuck and there is NOTHING that I can do about it but wait and hope....hope that the fucking housing market comes back. But mortgage interest rates are steady going the fuck up.... I guess I may see pigs fly first.
So, here we stand today. My husband is the type of person who could live in a cardboard box and be fine as long as it was warm and had cable. He could care less. I am completely opposite. I want to MOVE! There are several reasons that I want to move. One, we want to move BEFORE (which if this piss-ass housing economy in Michigan doesn't get better, I can't see it) our son is school age. Why? Because the area we are looking at moving into has FABULOUS public schools! My son has 2 years and I personally don't have much hope for this economy. ***sigh*** I also just want MORE SPACE!! I don’t have parties, functions, get togethers at my house because my house is soooooo small! All I have is a Kitchenette table that fits FOUR PEOPLE!!! How can I have more than ONE COUPLE over and be comfortable?????? I mean, I have living room furniture, but I would love to have a grown & sexy dinner party ....well, I can nix THAT idea living here! Also, there is no place for people to go! The basement is not finished and I can't see THAT getting done (due to cost) anytime REAL soon either!!! So, I just don't have people over though I love to entertain. I am just frustrated. And I feel like if I hadn't been SOOO quick to move and had looked at all of these factors,we might be able to buy a new house.
My husband is also of the "well, we just can't do it.....get over it and keep it moving" variety. I am still upset.
So, what this means to me is that we will have to wait LONGER for this house to appreciate to a "decent" level or for us to grow more equity in this house. When we got this house we said we'd be here for 3-5 years as this house is rather small---- we don't even have a formal dining room or formal living room. There is just a living/family room. My husband was like "well, we can now get the basement done and we will have more space". I guess I better make peace with that fuckin idea otherwise I will make myself sick***sigh***
I had thought that this might happen and that I would be O.K. with the idea of just “doing the basement” and that it would be all good if the #'s didn't come in right. But it’s not. I am pissed and frustrated and there is NOTHING.I.CAN.DO.TO.CHANGE.THIS. So... I am upset and left sitting here not unlike Langston..... lamenting.....
Well, more like severely dissapointed. Why? Because I just found out yesterday that now is not a good time to buy a new house and that numbers-wise we simply CANNOT afford to move. Housing prices for sellers are TERRIBLE and how about the real estate company that we are working with just told us that based on the area, the market value of the homes in our area, and what the costs potentially associated with selling a home (including a whopping $10,500 to THEIR asses alone as our "marketers"), they recommended that we put the house on the market for TWENTY-THOUSAND LESS THAN WHAT WE PAID FOR THIS BITCH THREE YEARS AGO! WHAT THE FUCK!!! And you KNOOOOOW that you never take a "offered" price for a home when you are looking, so that would mean we could come out like as much as $30-40,000 less than what we paid!!! HELL NO! We cannot afford to take a LOSS like that!!!!! We ain't got $30-40K just sitting there in the bank to pay off our CURRENT mortgage and get into another one!
I am so angry. More at myself though because I feel utterly and completely trapped because I can do nothing but wait.... til whenever....... After we moved here I realized something that in my blind impatient desire to get this house did not realize: This may not have been the best move. Why do I say that? Well.... seeing as though I knew NOTHING about how homes appreciate, how areas appreciate,etc. I went on pure emotion and the condition of the house: New. My husband also wanted new and definitely wanted to get a house too. Now, he takes my "dissapointment" as his "fault" because he is the "man" of the house. I tell him it's not his fault, but he feels guilty about us NOT being able to do what we wanna do (i.e. move) and so I try not to talk about it....cause TRUST this topic is never far from my mind and leave it to me, I'd be talking about it QUITE a bit. But I don't because I don't want him to feel bad.
When we got this house, we both wanted a "new construction" home, but the homes that we were looking at as potential "new construction" homes were either tooooo far from EVERYTHING (i.e. a 45-50min commute ONE WAY in NO TRAFFIC) or were too old for what we wanted. I cannot do a long commute, as a matter of fact, I think those who can should be commended! I also did not want to inherit other folks "cover up" jobs that they may have done in a home, on my first purchase. So, we got approved and began to look.
The house that we found are are in today is a new construction home smack dab in the middle of a LOOOOONG time established neighborhood,( but in a central location, close to people north, south, east and west of us. We are really in the middle of the metro-area.) What does that mean? That the homes that are here went through the "quick appreciation" in value 30 years ago and that our MORE EXPENSIVE home will not appreciate that much, that quick since everyone elses shit is old as dirt. And my home (though smaller in sq ft. than most of the homes near us tht are older) cost about $40K MORE than the older homes around us and therefore when they look at the area (as buyers would), this house probably wasn't worth what we bought it for, for the area. But I wanted a new home because my son was about 4 months old and I did NOT want to be in an apt and our lease was up anyway. Now I feel stuck and there is NOTHING that I can do about it but wait and hope....hope that the fucking housing market comes back. But mortgage interest rates are steady going the fuck up.... I guess I may see pigs fly first.
So, here we stand today. My husband is the type of person who could live in a cardboard box and be fine as long as it was warm and had cable. He could care less. I am completely opposite. I want to MOVE! There are several reasons that I want to move. One, we want to move BEFORE (which if this piss-ass housing economy in Michigan doesn't get better, I can't see it) our son is school age. Why? Because the area we are looking at moving into has FABULOUS public schools! My son has 2 years and I personally don't have much hope for this economy. ***sigh*** I also just want MORE SPACE!! I don’t have parties, functions, get togethers at my house because my house is soooooo small! All I have is a Kitchenette table that fits FOUR PEOPLE!!! How can I have more than ONE COUPLE over and be comfortable?????? I mean, I have living room furniture, but I would love to have a grown & sexy dinner party ....well, I can nix THAT idea living here! Also, there is no place for people to go! The basement is not finished and I can't see THAT getting done (due to cost) anytime REAL soon either!!! So, I just don't have people over though I love to entertain. I am just frustrated. And I feel like if I hadn't been SOOO quick to move and had looked at all of these factors,we might be able to buy a new house.
My husband is also of the "well, we just can't do it.....get over it and keep it moving" variety. I am still upset.
So, what this means to me is that we will have to wait LONGER for this house to appreciate to a "decent" level or for us to grow more equity in this house. When we got this house we said we'd be here for 3-5 years as this house is rather small---- we don't even have a formal dining room or formal living room. There is just a living/family room. My husband was like "well, we can now get the basement done and we will have more space". I guess I better make peace with that fuckin idea otherwise I will make myself sick***sigh***
I had thought that this might happen and that I would be O.K. with the idea of just “doing the basement” and that it would be all good if the #'s didn't come in right. But it’s not. I am pissed and frustrated and there is NOTHING.I.CAN.DO.TO.CHANGE.THIS. So... I am upset and left sitting here not unlike Langston..... lamenting.....
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
hello.....is it me you're looking for
So, it's ben awhile folks...two months to be almost exact. Alot has happened in this time, my son gained another year in age, I lost a few pounds, I gained a new car, my mom lost an appendix, I gained an excercise regimen, and I lost a friend.
Honestly I haven't felt like blogging and haven't had the mindset or the inclination to do so. I still don't feel "up to" blogging much, but here I am. I have a little something to talk about, so here goes. Personally I don't think but 2 or three people read this stuff anyway, so I didn't really see the value in writing ( I NEED to feel like SOMEONE is reading. ):-)
Too much to talk about, so I just won't. I will move on and talk about work. That's a safe place to be. So, I have begun to start taking these leadership classes that are required to become a leader. This is a great company that I work for and I absolutely LOVE the fact that I am in classes that MOST of the 17 people that are in this class with me had to wait 2,3 or in a few cases FIVE years to get to. If you are already at the company, you MUST take this class. If you come in as a manager, you MUST take it AFTER you are hired. When we had an Icebreaker at our first class I think the LOWEST seniority person was 1 1/2 years. I do feel honored that my boss, Boss Diva (who is black and TEN years my junior, but is the bomb!) put me in this.
So, what is my issue? Well...... this company is one that works hard and plays hard. I have no problem with working hard but I have a life and MANY.MANY of the people (whose demographic is certainly young) , work to the point where they do NOT have a life (or their life starts after 9:00...when they leave work).
Can you say "HELL NAW"???? that simply CANNOT be me. I have too many responsibilities and TOO much OTHER shit I wanna do in my life. I already feel like I NE.VER have "me time" unless I am getting my hair done and that really doesn;t count because I am really scared that if I become a manager, THAT kinda shit will be "expected" of me, and I will either 1. have an attitude if I am forced to do something like stay until 8:00 or some mess, more than once a month or 2. just NOT be able to stay and "people" start to look at my leaving "on time" badly or 3. be ready to quit.
I do not want ANY of those to happen, but I fear being a manager. I really do. I am ready to have the responsibility from 8-5pm, but do NOT (nor can my life even ACCOMODATE) extreme amounts of O.T. I have a small child and my husband works really late days and we have not one "backup" to count on to get our child with any reliability or even someone that would be dependable in doing so! It's a truth I hope not to face. I PRAY for a managerial position where if I HAVE to do something, I can take it home! That's the best I can hope for.
Honestly I haven't felt like blogging and haven't had the mindset or the inclination to do so. I still don't feel "up to" blogging much, but here I am. I have a little something to talk about, so here goes. Personally I don't think but 2 or three people read this stuff anyway, so I didn't really see the value in writing ( I NEED to feel like SOMEONE is reading. ):-)
Too much to talk about, so I just won't. I will move on and talk about work. That's a safe place to be. So, I have begun to start taking these leadership classes that are required to become a leader. This is a great company that I work for and I absolutely LOVE the fact that I am in classes that MOST of the 17 people that are in this class with me had to wait 2,3 or in a few cases FIVE years to get to. If you are already at the company, you MUST take this class. If you come in as a manager, you MUST take it AFTER you are hired. When we had an Icebreaker at our first class I think the LOWEST seniority person was 1 1/2 years. I do feel honored that my boss, Boss Diva (who is black and TEN years my junior, but is the bomb!) put me in this.
So, what is my issue? Well...... this company is one that works hard and plays hard. I have no problem with working hard but I have a life and MANY.MANY of the people (whose demographic is certainly young) , work to the point where they do NOT have a life (or their life starts after 9:00...when they leave work).
Can you say "HELL NAW"???? that simply CANNOT be me. I have too many responsibilities and TOO much OTHER shit I wanna do in my life. I already feel like I NE.VER have "me time" unless I am getting my hair done and that really doesn;t count because I am really scared that if I become a manager, THAT kinda shit will be "expected" of me, and I will either 1. have an attitude if I am forced to do something like stay until 8:00 or some mess, more than once a month or 2. just NOT be able to stay and "people" start to look at my leaving "on time" badly or 3. be ready to quit.
I do not want ANY of those to happen, but I fear being a manager. I really do. I am ready to have the responsibility from 8-5pm, but do NOT (nor can my life even ACCOMODATE) extreme amounts of O.T. I have a small child and my husband works really late days and we have not one "backup" to count on to get our child with any reliability or even someone that would be dependable in doing so! It's a truth I hope not to face. I PRAY for a managerial position where if I HAVE to do something, I can take it home! That's the best I can hope for.
Wednesday, May 30, 2007
20 Things
I am thankful for:
1. My Mom still being alive and being able to spend time/talk to her.
2. My job...yes, it still gets on my nerves, but it is o.k.
3. My sanity
4. My Son...he really is the light of my life
5. My husband...even though HIS as drives me crazy sometimes too, he is a very good man and father
6. That I have cute feet... I am so glad that I do NOT have onion/bunyon/corntoe looking toes
7. My health
8. The ability to walk, talk and hear (that probably should count as 3, but oh well)
9. The Wisdom that I have gleaned over the years
10. Laughter
11. That feeling when you just feel so warm inside because of nothing in particular...guess that would be.. happiness
12. Going through all that I did with living with my father (who was a for real alcoholic)
13. My ability to sympathize and empathize
14. My ability to be impartial
15. My friends
16. Being able to say that there are few things I regret
17. Lessons learned because of the things I regret
18. Being not too hard on the eyes :-)(I am NOT vain by ANY stretch! I am harder on myself than I should be according to others, but I KNOW I ain't aesthetically unappealing.... wasn't that a nice way of saying "I'm glad I ain't u.g.l.y"?)
19. Knowing that I have marketable skills and that (God willing...) I can always make a living for myself and my family
20. No matter what happened the day before, knowing that I can get up tomorrow and try again if today wasn't all that great!
1. My Mom still being alive and being able to spend time/talk to her.
2. My job...yes, it still gets on my nerves, but it is o.k.
3. My sanity
4. My Son...he really is the light of my life
5. My husband...even though HIS as drives me crazy sometimes too, he is a very good man and father
6. That I have cute feet... I am so glad that I do NOT have onion/bunyon/corntoe looking toes
7. My health
8. The ability to walk, talk and hear (that probably should count as 3, but oh well)
9. The Wisdom that I have gleaned over the years
10. Laughter
11. That feeling when you just feel so warm inside because of nothing in particular...guess that would be.. happiness
12. Going through all that I did with living with my father (who was a for real alcoholic)
13. My ability to sympathize and empathize
14. My ability to be impartial
15. My friends
16. Being able to say that there are few things I regret
17. Lessons learned because of the things I regret
18. Being not too hard on the eyes :-)(I am NOT vain by ANY stretch! I am harder on myself than I should be according to others, but I KNOW I ain't aesthetically unappealing.... wasn't that a nice way of saying "I'm glad I ain't u.g.l.y"?)
19. Knowing that I have marketable skills and that (God willing...) I can always make a living for myself and my family
20. No matter what happened the day before, knowing that I can get up tomorrow and try again if today wasn't all that great!
Wednesday, May 23, 2007
SICK AND FUCKING TIRED
Done.
I don't care what anybody says or does ANYMORE. Not that I should have cared anyway. I have ENOUGH shit in my own FUCKING life to give a damn about. Plenty in fact. I'm simply out and outdone.
Since other people can be pissy, so can I !!! That's IT! Enough is enough.
NOBODY has to worry about me doing, saying, thinking or otherwise.
If PEOPLE can't be REAL with me, just don't BEat all.
DONE !!!
FUCK EVERYBODY!
And if this does NOT apply to you.... you have nothing to worry about...right?
I don't care what anybody says or does ANYMORE. Not that I should have cared anyway. I have ENOUGH shit in my own FUCKING life to give a damn about. Plenty in fact. I'm simply out and outdone.
Since other people can be pissy, so can I !!! That's IT! Enough is enough.
NOBODY has to worry about me doing, saying, thinking or otherwise.
If PEOPLE can't be REAL with me, just don't BEat all.
DONE !!!
FUCK EVERYBODY!
And if this does NOT apply to you.... you have nothing to worry about...right?
Tuesday, May 22, 2007
How can you be you and get what you want? Life is full of sacrifice……sometimes
How can you be you and get what you want? Life is full of sacrifice……
Being you….. isn’t always as easy as it should be. People always say “just be yourself” but in MANY instances, as you get older and your thoughts, ideas and preferences get more polarized, that isn’t as EASY as it sounds! You can’t just do or say anything in life , so I think that phrase is overrated and overused! LOL
We often have to make concessions, and sacrifices for who or what we know or think is right or what we “think” is who/where we want to be. Burt when is it too much and when do we begin to sacrifice what makes you, “you”? Self-awareness is a never-ending journey and you can get caught up in a tailspin of being something other than “you”. I ,personally, am still evolving and still learning new things about myself and have gotten caught in that tailspin before. I am constantly trying to in some way (self-talk, meditation, talking to friends) trying to get a better handle on being who I am and compromising for my overall happiness. So how can you get what you want and be yourself when the two ideas are not in sync? You have to understand what you need at the core of who you are. And if that means giving up OTHER ideas of what society thinks you should be doing and who you should be maybe that is the right road for you…maybe not.
But one thing I have learned is that you can’t hide from yourself…. You can but not (as I often say) without consequences and repercussions.
And you probably won’t end up being the “happiest” that you would have been had you just waited and evaluated the situation before acting on something . You can lie to everyone around you (maybe even convinced YOURSELF that this is what you want), but deep down, in the depths of your heard and mind….. you are there and there is where you will FIND …. you and you know the truth.
There have been times in my life where I KNEW that I should not have done certain things, made certain moves, had WARNING BELLS going off and felt a little “off” about something…but kept on full-steam ahead and came to regret it.
Now, I try to be as true to myself as I can. Life is too short not to be. YOUR LIFE is not textbook and I am coming to realize that there are no set guidelines on “when such-and-such” should be accomplished or successes attained. Societal “norms” often make this harder to see…...
I believe that as we get older we seek different things and out of those “different needs” sometimes comes “giving up this…to get that”. I get it. I simply believe that you should not have to change the WHOLE of who you are or what you like or what you are ready for at a certain point in your life…unless you are REALLY ready to EMBRACE (not just accept) the changes that you are making if you are not making them earnestly and whole heartedly.
Are we always happy? They say happiness is a choice. Do we make certain sacrifices in life? Yes. Are sacrifices a part of life? Yes. But the thing to remember is…..In the words of an old song by Teddy Pendergrass you can’t hide from yourself…. No matter where you go… there you are.
Think about it.
Being you….. isn’t always as easy as it should be. People always say “just be yourself” but in MANY instances, as you get older and your thoughts, ideas and preferences get more polarized, that isn’t as EASY as it sounds! You can’t just do or say anything in life , so I think that phrase is overrated and overused! LOL
We often have to make concessions, and sacrifices for who or what we know or think is right or what we “think” is who/where we want to be. Burt when is it too much and when do we begin to sacrifice what makes you, “you”? Self-awareness is a never-ending journey and you can get caught up in a tailspin of being something other than “you”. I ,personally, am still evolving and still learning new things about myself and have gotten caught in that tailspin before. I am constantly trying to in some way (self-talk, meditation, talking to friends) trying to get a better handle on being who I am and compromising for my overall happiness. So how can you get what you want and be yourself when the two ideas are not in sync? You have to understand what you need at the core of who you are. And if that means giving up OTHER ideas of what society thinks you should be doing and who you should be maybe that is the right road for you…maybe not.
But one thing I have learned is that you can’t hide from yourself…. You can but not (as I often say) without consequences and repercussions.
And you probably won’t end up being the “happiest” that you would have been had you just waited and evaluated the situation before acting on something . You can lie to everyone around you (maybe even convinced YOURSELF that this is what you want), but deep down, in the depths of your heard and mind….. you are there and there is where you will FIND …. you and you know the truth.
There have been times in my life where I KNEW that I should not have done certain things, made certain moves, had WARNING BELLS going off and felt a little “off” about something…but kept on full-steam ahead and came to regret it.
Now, I try to be as true to myself as I can. Life is too short not to be. YOUR LIFE is not textbook and I am coming to realize that there are no set guidelines on “when such-and-such” should be accomplished or successes attained. Societal “norms” often make this harder to see…...
I believe that as we get older we seek different things and out of those “different needs” sometimes comes “giving up this…to get that”. I get it. I simply believe that you should not have to change the WHOLE of who you are or what you like or what you are ready for at a certain point in your life…unless you are REALLY ready to EMBRACE (not just accept) the changes that you are making if you are not making them earnestly and whole heartedly.
Are we always happy? They say happiness is a choice. Do we make certain sacrifices in life? Yes. Are sacrifices a part of life? Yes. But the thing to remember is…..In the words of an old song by Teddy Pendergrass you can’t hide from yourself…. No matter where you go… there you are.
Think about it.
Thursday, May 03, 2007
Good things come in 3’s right?
Well, I can happily report that things have been going my way at work. I got praise for doing a good job and for going above and beyond my hiring goals for the month and got a “special” parking space (that was just luck) that is RIGHT next to the door! This is a HUUUGE deal because typically you could be S.O.L. if you do not get here early (which I usually do anyway), but God forbid you wanna go to lunch,… you DANG sho won’t get the spot BACK that you had! And we have soooo many people in this lot that one day a week (on a rotaiting basis) EVERYONE has to park at an off site lot and be shuttled in, because if we had EVERYONE here, EVERYDAY….. it just wouldn’t be possible. So, I basically NEEEEEVER go out for lunch cause I am not trying to walk from Timbuk 2 when I get back! Call it lazy, but yeah….. whatever…. LOL But nevertheless, I have had more praise at THIS job in 3 months than I did in 5 YEARS at the other place! GOOD RIDDANCE to all of their janky-stank asses! :-)
So, noooow….. I can go out during lunch and not have to worry about the whole "will I have to park a country-ass-mile away". Woo hoo!!!
So, anyway.....I went to New York to see my best friend graduate from the American Academy of Dramatic Arts. This school is in essence an acting school and I am so very proud of my friend. As I said here….. she is the most courageous person I know.
There were 96 graduates and about umm….3 of them were black! She graduated WITH HONORS and was never late or sick. She was also picked to be one of two speakers at commencement. The girl did her thizzle. And after graduation people (mostly white too) were coming up and applauding her speech and her professionalism. I mean, we couldn’t get out the DOOR for people coming up and telling her how WONDERFUL of a job she did. I was proud to be standing next to her. The girl tore it down! I always KNEW this, but now OTHERS are seeing it too.
This school was NO.JOKE people and if you think it was take this quote from one of the teachers:
“ A student once asked me what to do if they get sick or can’t make it to class (because you are graded on attendance) and I said…..don’t get sick or be absent”
Can you say damn? I woulda been kicked out the first MONTH! LOL And the kicker is that though this is a 2-yr program, you have to be INVITED to come back after 1st year. MANY of her classmates were not invited back.
So, while in NYC, we kicked it, shopped and had fun and here are a few pics from the weekend. She was THE best dressed out of the whole 96 people. I am not just saying that….she was. Take a look…..
Doesn't she look FABULOUS?????
here's a shot of the two of us in the subway after a hearty bit'o shopping on Canal St.
Us at a private graduation party:
So..... I wonder what my third "great" thing will be? **tapping fingers on temple eagerly awaiting ...***
Well, I can happily report that things have been going my way at work. I got praise for doing a good job and for going above and beyond my hiring goals for the month and got a “special” parking space (that was just luck) that is RIGHT next to the door! This is a HUUUGE deal because typically you could be S.O.L. if you do not get here early (which I usually do anyway), but God forbid you wanna go to lunch,… you DANG sho won’t get the spot BACK that you had! And we have soooo many people in this lot that one day a week (on a rotaiting basis) EVERYONE has to park at an off site lot and be shuttled in, because if we had EVERYONE here, EVERYDAY….. it just wouldn’t be possible. So, I basically NEEEEEVER go out for lunch cause I am not trying to walk from Timbuk 2 when I get back! Call it lazy, but yeah….. whatever…. LOL But nevertheless, I have had more praise at THIS job in 3 months than I did in 5 YEARS at the other place! GOOD RIDDANCE to all of their janky-stank asses! :-)
So, noooow….. I can go out during lunch and not have to worry about the whole "will I have to park a country-ass-mile away". Woo hoo!!!
So, anyway.....I went to New York to see my best friend graduate from the American Academy of Dramatic Arts. This school is in essence an acting school and I am so very proud of my friend. As I said here….. she is the most courageous person I know.
There were 96 graduates and about umm….3 of them were black! She graduated WITH HONORS and was never late or sick. She was also picked to be one of two speakers at commencement. The girl did her thizzle. And after graduation people (mostly white too) were coming up and applauding her speech and her professionalism. I mean, we couldn’t get out the DOOR for people coming up and telling her how WONDERFUL of a job she did. I was proud to be standing next to her. The girl tore it down! I always KNEW this, but now OTHERS are seeing it too.
This school was NO.JOKE people and if you think it was take this quote from one of the teachers:
“ A student once asked me what to do if they get sick or can’t make it to class (because you are graded on attendance) and I said…..don’t get sick or be absent”
Can you say damn? I woulda been kicked out the first MONTH! LOL And the kicker is that though this is a 2-yr program, you have to be INVITED to come back after 1st year. MANY of her classmates were not invited back.
So, while in NYC, we kicked it, shopped and had fun and here are a few pics from the weekend. She was THE best dressed out of the whole 96 people. I am not just saying that….she was. Take a look…..
Doesn't she look FABULOUS?????
here's a shot of the two of us in the subway after a hearty bit'o shopping on Canal St.
Us at a private graduation party:
So..... I wonder what my third "great" thing will be? **tapping fingers on temple eagerly awaiting ...***
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
I can't win
I have come to the consensus within myself that this job is just that…a damn job. I like it less and les everyday (the actual duties, that is). I think that I should just trust my instincts when it comes to MY.DAMN.SELF sometimes. The reason that I do not like what I am doing is because I have NEVER wanted to be doing what I am doing…… doing recruiting as my sole job. I have always said that I NEVER wanted to do this and this alone. I knew that there were times in my old job when I had to do recruiting all day long that I’d be just all irritated because I was tired of talking to muthafuckas. But I have to have the lifestyle that I have to have. Or else, I believe that I could just be at the crib NOT working and going back to school. I am really considering this. But then again, I am really considering NOT doing that too. I am full’a contradictions. I have no answers. I just know that I feel burnt out already.
I am a lazy, slow-paced to medium-paced person by nature if left to my own devices. I am all about working SMARTER. This is why this job is sooo hard. I am not saying that I do not want to work, but this job is turning out to be more about "monitoring" our every move than it is about getting a fuckin job done if you ask me. You see, because we are constantly monitored and graded and for lack of a better word, "big brother'd" it is very distracting from getting ones fuckin job done.
I really know that this is not my last stop..... I wish I could transfer to another division (not because of Boss Diva.... I love her ...but because of the way they have her running things. They are on HER ass, so she is on ours. I try to remember that but it is hard to seperate the like that I feel for her and the HATE that I feel for the processes she enforces on us. I need to transfer to another realm in HR but can't until I have been there for 9 months. It was only THREE as of yesterday. I am already burnt out and feel irritated with theidea of gettin up and going to work.
It used to be that I hated my boss & the company who didn't appreciate SHIT, but didn't mind the work, now it's the EXACT polar opposite. LOOOVE the boss, Love the company, HAAAAAAAAATE the duties. I get so dang-dog TIRED ot talking to people alllllllllll day and that's ALL I do. It's mindless and boring. I wish I could be one of those people who are just resolved to the "It's just a job.... I don't take it home...I can just do a job and go home". I am not like that. I wish I were. Life would be easier if I were not so high strung sometimes, but I am. What can I say. I can only keep working on me and working on having the fortitude to keep going until I get to my 9th month so I can HOPEFULLY transfer to another department in the company. Sometimes ti just feel like I can't win.
I am a lazy, slow-paced to medium-paced person by nature if left to my own devices. I am all about working SMARTER. This is why this job is sooo hard. I am not saying that I do not want to work, but this job is turning out to be more about "monitoring" our every move than it is about getting a fuckin job done if you ask me. You see, because we are constantly monitored and graded and for lack of a better word, "big brother'd" it is very distracting from getting ones fuckin job done.
I really know that this is not my last stop..... I wish I could transfer to another division (not because of Boss Diva.... I love her ...but because of the way they have her running things. They are on HER ass, so she is on ours. I try to remember that but it is hard to seperate the like that I feel for her and the HATE that I feel for the processes she enforces on us. I need to transfer to another realm in HR but can't until I have been there for 9 months. It was only THREE as of yesterday. I am already burnt out and feel irritated with theidea of gettin up and going to work.
It used to be that I hated my boss & the company who didn't appreciate SHIT, but didn't mind the work, now it's the EXACT polar opposite. LOOOVE the boss, Love the company, HAAAAAAAAATE the duties. I get so dang-dog TIRED ot talking to people alllllllllll day and that's ALL I do. It's mindless and boring. I wish I could be one of those people who are just resolved to the "It's just a job.... I don't take it home...I can just do a job and go home". I am not like that. I wish I were. Life would be easier if I were not so high strung sometimes, but I am. What can I say. I can only keep working on me and working on having the fortitude to keep going until I get to my 9th month so I can HOPEFULLY transfer to another department in the company. Sometimes ti just feel like I can't win.
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