Bus Etiquette

For all that know me, you know that I work in a huge facility that has 4 separate buildings that house THOUSANDS of employees. The parking for those employees is broken up amongst several parking garages. The parking garage that I park at is approximately a 10 minute walk away. Hence, there is a shuttle service that picks up and drops off employees to and from the main building. Door to door service! Gotta love it.

For the most part, this is a wonderful service (O.K. here’s where I get picky and bitchy..) BUT there are some exceptions to every rule. The buses are commuter buses, you know the nice white ones that seat between 20-40 people depending on the bus and look like the buses that take you to/from a hotel from the airport or something or the like. Most buses even have music playing of the popular black radio stations (because it's mostly "us" that's driving, that's what radio station is playing). Because the bus route is a quick 2 minutes , buses pull up quite frequently. During my 4 years here, I have noticed some irritating shit that people do that in my opinion SHOULD go int he "what the fuck NOT TO DO section of the “Code of the Parking Structure Bus Rider”.

I shall detail these things below for those who have OBVIOUSLY neva been schooled on appropriate conduct in small spaces:

1.Do NOT blow your fucking nose if someone (especially if MY BLACK ASS) is sitting next to you. Not even if it’s a GODAMN snot-emergency! This fucking morning this funky ass white muthafucka with a cheap suit and some “2 funky brotha’s” cologne proceeds to blow his gahdamn nose while I was sitting RIGHT next to him!! BITCH! I was mad as hell. O.K. first of allI was mad because these seats are NOT made for anyone over a size 8 (women) or over a size 36 waist size (men’s). And even then your ass might feel like a salty sardine! Now I know that there’s a whole yunch oh nasty-ass-mothafuckas in the world, but when did it become O.K. to blow yo’ snot particles (imagine me feeling like I'm sitting in that movie theatre in the movie "Outbreak".....you get the picture) albeit into a rag, that he put BACK INTO HIS bag *disgusted face*, when we’re sitting so close to one another I can hear your gahdamn heart beat?????? Stankin-ass-baturds!!!! And seeing as though , as previously stated, the bus ride is 2 fucking minutes. YOUR ass can wait unless your nose is running and then you can simply wipe, NOT BLOW your gahdamn nose!!!! UUUUUGHHHHHH!!! This is why I am convinced that white people in general do NOT live by the code of cleanliness that black folk do. Now, don’t get me wrong, there are some McNasty’s out there in the black community…..but far less than whites. (and they equate US with being dirty...hhhmph! *tooting my nose in the air, lips curled up*).


2.DO not talk on a cell phone in closed spaces or talk quietly!!! Don’t most people know it is rude as fuck to talk LOUDLY on the cell phone when you are in closed spaces (e.g.a bus, an elevator….)?? If you are sitting next to me and we are on a bus, please cut that damn convo. short and tell the muthafucka you’ll call them RIGHT back if you can’t manage to cut that mouth volume down several notches! Just say no and shut the FUCK UP!

3.Do NOT start singing the fucking music that is playing on the bus’ radio station! Now, I told you that the buses have music playing on most of them. You ain’t Rueben, Clay or Fantasia bitch and this AIN’T a Karaoke contest! Now, most of the time the 2 minute bus trip is uneventful and QUIET. Other than people talking in quieter tones to a co-worker, etc. it’s usually quiet even if there is music playing WHYYYYY was I on the bus yesterday morning and this mothafucka was FIRST of all talking loud as HELL on his cell phone (reference rule #2 above) and then his white, janky-looking ass started singing along with Michael Jackson “Don’t stop til you get enough….keep on with the force…..don’t….don’t stop til you get enough” (repeat) I was sitting RIGHT behind this muthafucka and his attempt at being cool was turning out horribly and I sooooooo was tempted to tap or better yet SLAP the shit out of him and let him know that he AIN’T cool and he WASN’T gruuuuvin’ and that we (the masses on the bus) did NOT enjoy his lil stankin-ass impromptu concert was worthy of getting thrown the-fuck-out of ANY Karaoke bar. Sheesh! You’d think he’d have gotten the message after people started to turn and look at his ass! *now remember this is a 2 minute bus ride, 3 at the MOST, so I was relieved of my aural hostage takeover very soon !
Addendum: do you know that when this mu’fucka got off the bus he was all of 4’ 5”???? I shook my head as I looked down at him and thought “This explains EVERYTHING.....*sigh*”

4. If your ass is too WIDE to get down the AISLE of the bus or if the bus tilts to one side when you try to get on it, this means you need to WALK to the building. There is no reason that I and the person next to me should be smashed into the window with our lips pressed against the glass simply because yo’ big ass is “comin thru”!!! And if your ass IS that big, chances are you NEED to walk. Take advantage of this opportunity to commit to this form of exercise. Now, I ain’t no little, petite woman either, but Sumo/Samoan I ain’t. Therefore, I can speak to these issues!

5. Please do NOT sit directly next to me if there are say.... 92 other seats on the damn bus! Why do people do this?? Is it to feel safe? Is it to feel like they are really a part of the human experience? Is it to smell my sexy body? NOOOOOOOOOO!! I am convinced that people who do dumb-ass shit like this do it to simply irritate the FUCK outta me!!! Cause please believe that these 2 seats are really the equivalent of 1 1/2 seats! GET AWAY FROM ME!

6.And if you DO sit next to me and I DO NOT know you (even if I do, unless we're cool like dat) PLEASE , I repeat PLEASE DON'T start inane-ass, languid conversations with me O.K., sometimes idle chatter is O.K., but really & truly my time in teh morning on the bus (yes that 2-3 minutes and the 5 minute walk through the building to my desk)is MY TIME to "get my mind right". And the evening time is my time to get the FUCK outta Dodge and I am like Mario Andretti on a nigga! At 5:00pm (because my bitch ass boss will NOT let a slave nigga leave until EXACTLY 5:00pm) I am flying out the doh'! Eat my dust biatches! So I don't want to talk then either. I am focused on two things: getting my ass to my vehicle and high-tailing it onto the freeway as fast as I can, because literally, minutes lost in pre-freeway time can = traffic jam city! And as I am impatient, that does not bode well with me. The other focus is getting the Zilla from daycare. So, I do not appreciate you droning on and on and on and on and .....you get it. It fucks up my mental! And in addition, it's rude and as IRRITATING as a fly that you just can't kill that continues to light on everything in your house! I don't care about the "nice day" or "my, isn't it hot" or any other stupid "filler-chat" you idle mind comes up with. Save it. One day this woman was going on and on and I was just giving her the nicey-nice smiles and saying "oh, o.k." and " mmm hmmm" and "mmmmm" trying to be nice. But it wasn't until I shot her a "shut the fuck up " look that she finally did just that. See....folks force me to be evil.. I swear they do.

7. If you smell like hot garbage and cabbage, GET’CHO ass OFF and STAY off the Godamn bus until you take a shower! Being in a confined space where it’s hot, because SOME of these buses have NO A/C, is just ridiculously oppressive and unfair to others when you add funk + heat it = straight con-funktion. I work in a building where most of the employees that work here are employed by one of the Big 3. Hence, there are a fair number of people employed that are of either East Indian, Pakistani, Arabic descent since they employ these fuckers like they’re God’s gift to America . People, you know where I’m going with this. Why can stankin, I mean STANKKKKKKKKIN muthafucka’s be allowed to come to work and by the sheer mist of funk that is emanating from ONE person’s body, stink up the WHOLE floor! That’s a shame!! There is no reason that HYGEINE be one of those “cultural preferences” that is accepted in the U.S. !!! I swear, if there was someone on my side of this floor that smelled like that, there’d HAVE to be something done about it!!! It’s no less fair to have a person be told to “tone down” their perfume if it is causing other employee’s to have headaches, nausea, etc. than it would be to ask someone who is STANKIN-ALL-TO-BE-DAMNED to wash their ass. I just don’t get it. WASH.YO.ASS. BITCHES. Them oniony ass nigga’s betta be glad that I don’t have to smell them.

O.K., I’m done....

Stink you very much.