Tuesday, September 20, 2005

Cider Mills......

My girlfriend and I went to a Cider Mill last weekend. Actually, I had been meaning to post this but just did not have the time and forgot about this. For those of you unfamiliar with Cider Mills, they are very popular in the Midwest around this time of the year. Cider Mills are where fresh apple cider is made. It is pressed and put into jugs to be sold. Cide Mills are only open from late Aug. through the beginning of December. So if you want some cider you have a limited window. The mill that I go to is not that far from my house and is a very popular one. Not only can you get cider there, but you can get fresh warm cinnamon donuts, hot dogs, apple pie, caramel apples and an assortment of other apple-based products. There is also a shallow creek that runs right by the mill, so you can go and sit by the rocks and drink your cider and eat your donuts, etc. with your family. All products are fresh and free of preservatives and are the BOMB! On a cool fall afternoon it’s so nice to go to the Cider Mill, with it’s gorgeous scenery and cozy, relaxed atmosphere.


SCCCRRRRREEEEEEEEEEECH!!!!

Except for:

THE BEES:

*cue the music from a scene in a Star Trek episode where they leave you on the edge of your seat with a cliffhanger---to be continued*

“dun dun dun....DUD-DUH”

THE BEES:

Let me start by saying that I have never been stung by a bee in MY LIFE, but am DEATHLY afraid of them! Anything that I can’t get away from quickly enough that can follow my ass AND hurt me, it to be feared in my eyes!

So, now take that nice vision I gave you above and add “THE BEES-----EVERY-FUCKING-WHERE”

As soon as me & my girl pulled up, I said “aaawwww FUCK! I forgot about them fucking stankin ass BEES!” There are ALLLLLLLLWAYS bees at the Cider Mill. I said “DAMN, don’t these assholes invest in Extermination services????? DAMN! You KNOW that there will be bees because of the sweet smell/taste of the apples!! Why won’t these jackasses get some roach spray or something! Jeeeesh!”


Fear immediately set in. It was probably some foreshadowing……

Sooooo…we get out of the car and immediately I see the bees, flying aroud the lot where we were, near the brook, near EVERY garbage can and DEFINITELY near the entrances to the Cider Mill. I said to myself *hmmm…there must be more of them around now than when I usually make my first trip in October, because it’s hot still and the smell travels/is more intense and draws them nearer in bigger numbers…..*

So, anywho there were two walking paths to take to go up to the cider mill itself. I quickly assessed which one had the LEAST amount of bees buzzing about and told my girl (who had not been to one before) “cool….let’s go this way…less bees”.

So, we get up to the little house-shaped apple-dwelling and go in….so we look around and get in line. As we are in line peoplr are constantly in & out of this place, so there are a few bees INSIDE the screened door looking as if they are trying to get out. I keep it movin up the line tryin’ to get away from them even.

So, fast forward, we get our donuts and our cider and since it was still a warm summer day, they had this “cider slush”, so we got a small one to share. I bought a ½ gallon of cider and she bought a quart.

So, off we go into the parking lot. So, dig if you will a picture: She gets a phone call as we leave and she’s carrying my ½ gallon of cider. She’s in front of me and I’m behind her. I have the cider slush in my left hand, my purse on my left arm ( which is one of those “open at the top with no zipper” small, bucket types of purses that CANNOT go on your shoulder because the strap is too short), and her quart of cider in my right hand. (all this detail is going somewhere….bear with me)

We’re going to the car and this BEE lands RIGHT ON THE TOP OF MY CUP OF SLUSH! OHHHHHHHHHHHHH SHHHHHHHHHHIT! I start gently waving my hand with the slush in it, ( and my purse on my arm) around trying to get the bee to go away. It doesn’t work, I wave harder. My girl is on the phone just a walkin not paying ONE bit of attention to my ass trying to stay cool, but ‘bout to go into a FIT! The bee, persistent little fucker that is was, would NOT GO AWAY! I start flailing my arm (the one with the purse on it and the slush in hand) back and forth trying to get away, all the while bobbing and weaving like I was Laila Ali, trying to get AWAAAAAAY from this damn bee! Shit is threatening to fall out of my purse (remember the purse is open at the top) and I am going fucking CRAZEEEEEEEE !!!! It STIIIIIIIIILL would NOT go away. So, I start backing up, flailing my arms and sprinting backwards, forwards and sideways TRYING to get this damn bee away from me. Now, I knew the little jackass was probably getting irritated because I was swatting at him and shit and he would come back towards me, looking like he was trying to run INTO my face and shit and I was going FUCKIN crazy! My friend was STILL ON the GATDAMN PHONE and was STILL paying me NO attention until I yelled “SAMAAAAAAAANTHAA!!!!!! HEEEEELLLLP!! YAAAAAAHHHHH” as I’m running from the fucking bee! I mean this bee stuck with me for AT LEAST 250 feet! I could NOT get away. And even when my “friend” did turn around she only turned around ¼ of the way in a “what the shit?” kinda way and kept right-the-fuck-on talking and walking as I stood there, twisting my head from side to side (picture how a dog shakes water off of it’s body) so hard that my hair was slapping me in my face! . I KNOW I was looking like a heroin-laced crack head with Turret’s !!! I was going absolutely APE –SHIT! This godamn bee would NOT leave me alone!!! All this time my girl STILL on the phone.

As we approached the car apparently the bee relented…thank God! I did NOT drop my slush and to top it OFF, when I got to the car, I was the one who had to get my keys out and open the door!! I wanted to kill my girl!!!! At that point I wasn’t convinced that the bee had not jumped on my back or something so I’m looking around like I’m a schizo that sees shit crawling on their body or something and trying to make sure his ass wasn’t around before I got in the car. Somehow I shook his ass AND salvaged the crushed, yet, drinkable cup of cider slush. Hallaleujah!

So….moral of the story…don’t go to Cider Mills when it’s hot….or without a pollinators-suit on…..

“Bee” e-z yall ………

3 comments:

Knockout Zed said...

And that's the reason I don't go to Cider Mills. That and the fact that I'm a single, heterosexual male! Holla back, nigga.

KZ

Danyel said...

that's crazy. LOLLOL

Chubby Chocolate said...

I'm deathly afraid of bees too, but I would walk through a storm of bees, wasps and spiders for hot cinnamon donuts...MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM.