Tuesday, December 19, 2006

The Vortex Effect

Sucked in.

I am getting sucked in. I am getting used to being home and not working,and after all, isn't this what most people WISH they could do? I don't miss getting up at the crack of dawn, rushing to work, dealing with bullshit at work all day, getting off LATE and by the time you get home you have to scramble to cook, do whatever cleaning there is and spend time with the baby. I do not miss that world. Maybe I feel like this because I have NEVER and I do mean NEVER had a job that just DID IT for me. I have never just lovvvvvvvvvved going to work for WORK SAKE. I did like going to work because of some of the PEOPLE from time to time, but I have never found my niche in terms of "what do you want to do that you will REALLY enjoy?" But am I an anomaly? I think not, I think that MOST people do not want to do what they are doing but have to make a living. I undersatand that. But I have to fake it like I just "live and BREATHE HR"....after all, who wants an albeit truthful employee, that would say "ya know the truth is , I am really just here because this is an o.k. job and the money is good and I have to eat". No one would hire me if I told that truth. And I know that the way I am living cannot last, so I have finally started to "enjoy it while I can". I am revelling in the fact that I am getting a breather, shall we say, from that rat race. I am finally beginning to enjoy this lifestyle but .....

I am getting sucked in.

For the moment I am living in an unreal world. The world of in between .....I am still getting paid and I will have unemployment, so I am getting comfortable. Being home ain't that bad (right now). I am getting more appreciative of the space I have and am o.k. (for right now).

This series of events has allowed mte to get the monkey off my back {my evil ass boss} were apparently supposed to happen as they did to take me to the next level,and even my husband says that I am happier since I do not have to deal with her and the rigamoro day in and day out. Truth be told.....I could leave corporate america and NEVER look back and be none the worse. But.....that brings up the fact that my husband while making a good salary does NOT make enough to support our lifestyle. And truth is..... I do NOT want my lifestyle to change.

So, that means I have a dilemna. How to support my lifestyle without going back to the daily grind.

So.....I have already begun to make a change and pursue my professional photography business. I have ALWAYS wanted to be a photographer....since I was a girl. I have stepped out and have begun to "just do it". Problem is, I am still very unsure of myself and though people say that I do god work, I know that I have SOOOOOOOOO much more to learn. I am going to try to enroll in spring classes for photography. But what I really need is a mentor. Someone to SHOW me (I do far better with someone showing me what to do and learning by example.....). I do not know if I will find a mentor though because people simply do not like to "train their competition". ya know? I have someone who's work I am totally in awe of (and he's a black guy)...he took this pic of me & my husband which was one of our engagement pics, but he's soooooo busy. He kinda said he would, but he also kinda (i felt) brushed me off and said that I needed to learn "a few more technical aspects so that when he referred to things he wouldn't have to stop and explain the minutiae", which I kinda took as a dis because that is EXACTLY why I WENT to him,.....because I NEED someomne to EXPLAIN the MINUTIAE!!!!! So.... I was kinda irritated behind that and consequently haven't found one that'll stick yet....

But I do know this...... I am getting sucked in..... I do NOT miss the fake conversations, the inflexibility of most corporate jobs, the 8-5 schedule and the even MORE fake personnel at these jobs. The older I get the thinner my skin gets for these enviromnents and the more transparent I become. Meaning, I used to be able to put up that "suzie cream cheese" smile and fakerie with the best of them, but now, not as much. My nerves are more raw and my patience is way thinner. I am respectful.....as long as you respect me..... and after coming from the last job where that bitch OBVIOUSLY thought I was her muthafuckin kid or something......it makes it WAAAAAAY more unlikely that I will deal with one IOTA of that shit again. I know my bloodpressure was worse for dealing with her. She no longer has her foot on my neck and for that I am grateful!

But back to the lecture at hand.... I am getting sucked in.

I like leisurely getting my son to school (it's nice to just enjoy each other in the morning instead of being agitated and rushing because you are trying to get that last 15 minutes of sleep and are on a "scehedule"), being able to clean the house and have dinner ready BY 6 instead of STARTING at 6 (if I was lucky). But housewife I am not,...I need more to keep me going. Which is why if I do not find a job, I am not going to be that pressed in the interim (until my unemployment runs out), because maybe this really IS my time to make a change, maybe getting sucked in isn't so bad and maybe getting sucked into the vortex will take me to a whole other world....a world that I have only dreampt of.


Knockout Zed said...

Corporate (and non-Corporate) America sux. Stay at the crib as long as you can, cuz this shit ain't fun.


Shai said...

Amen! Gurl, you know I know. LOL. Love this "vacation" because you earned it. Plus God gives us rest for reasons. Housewife I am not either, my house is not much cleaner than when I was working.

There is a photographer who is in one of my poetry groups who takes professional pics, his name is Kahn Davison at www.kahnd.com and www.kahndphoto.com, maybe he knows some people who know some people. Don't know if it will help.

I will be praying for ya.

Freaky Deaky said...

I agree, you should enjoy the time off as long as you can. I don't think it's any coincidence that work is four letter word like fuck and shit.

Good luck with the photography classes.

The Goddess said...

HOORAY at the idea of you pursuing your photography. I JUST said how great I thought it was so I think you should do it. It's so important to find joy in your profession. Why spend so many hours a day doing something that you don't enjoy. Your pictures REALLY ARE FABULOUS! Good luck girl! I wish you the best.

We need some family pictures so how bout you fly on out to Denver and hook us up. LOL I'm kidding.

1969 said...

Robyn...I say you go to a few photographers in the area...Find one whose work you admire and ask them to be your mentor.

Enroll in your classes and pursue that dream. Corporate America is NOT FUN. Working as your own boss is great.

As long as your hubby is providing the benfits....live your dreams.

thegod said...


First your professional slide show thing is getting in the way of your blog entry. I couldn't finish reading your entry it overlaps the words.

As an artist let me tell you alot of other artist are on some bullshit. Even at the schools. These muthafuckas know how competitive it is out here and you are right they don't want to train you for fear it will take away from them. Punk Bitches.
I look at your work and let me tell you you create great work. No bullshit, your pictures are fantastic. I too am feeling my way through this own art start up biz...because like I say people are full of shit. Do not wait on them to help you. Go to Borders or Barnes and Nobles or even the public library while at home and get the info you need. You could start with weddings...hook up with event planners and see if you can photograph events ....but ya got to do something otherwise the frustration will kick in and it will really start to kick off in your ass. If I can design a site for you or ads or whatever let me know. I see us all in these bad times and I am here to help you for free.

Don't get sucked into comfort man...it is hell trying to get that motor humming again. Do your thing sis...honestly.. because you got some real talent.

chele said...

First of all ... that photo of you and your hubby is beautiful.

Secondly, your professional work is just as good. You are a real talent.

Thirdly, isn't sacrifcing your lifestyle for a short period of time in order to achieve a dream worth it? Believe in yourself ... you have what it takes to succeed!

Merry Christmas!

Tired of being broke said...

Merry Christmas, good luck with the photograpy biz. Just take the classes and go with the flow.