bah fucking humbug

I am wondering.....Lord, why are you putting me through this. If you all have been reading, you all know that I am unemployed and NOT by choice. I can't see the reasoning behind this and it just makes me all the angrier that I have been laid off, submitting resumes for like 2 MONTHS and have not had ONE face-to-face interviews! I am really getting pissed about this shit! I know that I can talk, I KNOW that I speak VERY articulately and I am HOPING and praying that this no-interview thing is due to the impending Christmas holiday. I know that blaming the company that I worked for won't help and as Hustleman said to me previously "you can't focus on where you are going until you let GO of the past". But I am finding it hard not to feel resentful and pissed off about being umemployed and the fact that my severance is QUICKLY running out and that NONE of this was of my choosing. I am finding it hard as FUCK to be "thankful" even though I know I SHOULD be. I have a home, a husband and great child. After all, I WILL NOT be out of a place to live, food,etc. but I NEED to work. It is part of my independence and of who I am. And I am , as the days go on, finding it increasingly hard to be "positive" and "hopeful".

This is the holiday season and I am NOT feeling "ho ho ho-ish" at fucking all. I actually feel like the Grinch! My husband and I have a budget to buy presents for our little one and I don't even want to go shopping. I mean, I do, but I don't. I usually spend a nice amount of money during the holidays and this year I simply can't. It's depressing. Call the way I feel petty or whatever, but it's how I feel. I usually get myself a "gift from me to me" , but this year that can't happen. And I am pissed about it. So one day, I told my husband "I have been really good about not spending...have you noticed that I haven't even been doing shopping like before" (this is a BIIIIG deal for me because I am a shopper and used to go do SOME kind of shopping every weekend whether it be for my son or the household or for groceries or for me) and he goes "Well, I would EXPECT that you would, it needs to be even better than that...it needs to be not at ALL". Thanks. THAT made me feel better! I was like "well, we HAVE to buy SOME stuff!" Money is and has always been an issue with us and now, me NOT having a job makes things MORE tense. Just what I needed.

And I simply can't BELEIVE that I haven't even had ONE face-to-face interview!!! I mean, if I had no experience, no managerial experience,etc. I could understand, but I have been in my field for TEN YEARS! I mean, come ON! I am pissed and angry and hurt.

I am even thinking of trying to go into Pharmaceutical Sales (I have NEEEEEEEEEEEEVER been a "sales" type of person either, because I HATE trying to "sell" people). But I am getting desperate.....now I know that often times because the Pharm biz is competitive, you have to "know someone". Well, I talked to someone last night, who may be able to get me through the door. I will try anything. I need a job.

Like I said, I have and still am "praying on it" and I know that God does stuff in his own time and that there "is a plan" and all the other cliche, cliches. I am simply not feeling ANY of this right now and I know that a job won't come to me just sitting here, so I look, and look and look......and look some more. After all, I know that God also needs me to take one step towards helping myself and maybe he will take two.