Religion....or lack thereof.

So there I was, sitting with my 18 month old, Dylan, wondering when would the “right time” be to introduce him to “religion”. I’m sure that many of you who are faithful attendees are saying “the right time?” Well, my story is this: I did not grow up attending church per se (to be exlplained later) though I do want him to be exposed to Christianity. I ‘ve struggled and said “Well, he’s too young now to understand” and I heard the words of my mother in my head…….

“I so wish I had given you the foundation, that I had as a child…going to church and being raised in the church….. sometimes, I think that during the times that you have had challenges it would have made it a little easier for you to get through if you had had that deeply rooted faith….. I feel like I failed you sometimes”. And though I don’t mfeel like my mother failed me in ANY way, I do wonder if I would be into the church like some of my friends are if I had grown up with it. What does scripture say “train up child …..and he shall never depart from it”? Hmmmm…..so I wonder. I am spiritual however and believe wholeheartedly in God. Period. I pray and I talk to God, I ask him for guidance and have faith.

My mother raised me by herself and for whatever reason, we never went to church on Sunday. I now can see just how tired you can be when you are raising a child AND working full time AND being the mommy and the daddy. I do not fault her for NOT taking me and for my NOT being raised in the church. I however, want my child to be as well equipped with a good sense of God earlier than I did. It was not until I was older (in my 20’s) that I even went to church (though still sporadically) more than I did growing up. Me & Mom went to church only on the “special holidays” and then ONLY on some of those.

As a child, I used to be around my grandmother (my mother’s mother) who was a Jehovah’s Witness. I should have gleaned some knowledge of the Bible from her right? Nope. You see, because I didn’t understand what the Bible was, I tuned out all the stuff that passed across my ears, after all I wasn’t being tested on it. My grandmother wasn’t really trying to teach it to me either, because I just happened to be around most of it because she and my granddad were my Mom’s only babysitter’s. I believe that she also knew my mother didn’t really agree with her new choice of religion, so she didn’t force it on me. Anyway, I attended the Kingdom Hall Sunday service numerous times and even went to the 3-day National Congregational Gathering that was held ad the Pontiac Silverdome every summer with my grandma. I went “in service” (going door to door to solicit the publications) with her. I went to peoples homes with her when she would go for bible study and through allllllllllllll of this, I didn’t retain one drop of knowledge. You see, since I was young, I have a knack for OBLITERATING anything I am not interested in, out of my mind. I can tune ANYONE out at ANYTIME and literally wipe it from my memory. And because the language of the bible made no sense to me, when there was reading being done from the bible, I immediately went into “tune out” mode. Heck, I just wanted to be up under my grandma anyway…..I wasn’t paying attention.

With that said, all of the “who so art thou’s” and the “he soeth ever shall’s” and the various other verbiage of the Bible always served to confuse me because I had NO IDEA what it was saying! So, I did what?….. I tuned it out……. I am not proud of it, but it was what it was.

Now, I say all that to say that later in my growth, I went to church with friends or for christenings, etc. and came to understand a little bit more. I will never forget one day I was talking to my best friend Jennifer, who was raised in the church and is a singer by profession. She knows all of the meanings of things and the ins & the outs of church service and protocol. I felt so stupid asking questions that a 5 year old would ask, but I felt that it was time to garner some knowledge. I also knew that Jen would not look at me like I had grown 7 horns and 5 tails just because I was asking these questions. I mean, I asked everything from “what is a consecration?” to “so what happened in the Bible when….” And to be honest with ya’ll there are STILLLLLLL plenty of stories that flat out don’t know or that I am not 100% or even 50% sure of all the details. Some of them are common ones that most people might be appalled to know that I don’t fully know.

Though I have always been less than knowledgeable about the Bible, I have ALWAYS #1 had a belief in GOD and have ALWAYS known the difference between heaven and hell, and have always believed that the devil is real. I pray and I am spiritual. I love God and I want to grow closer to him.

I fear death. I really do. I think that if I had more of an “abiding” faith that I would not fear it so. I know that God does not deal with things people consider tangible. By that I mean, his world is made of faith. I believe in everlasting life, but as a human being and due to my nature, because I cannot SEE IT and can’t TOUCH IT, I have a problem visualizing it. Did you understand what I said. I BELIEVE that it is so, but I have a problem VISUALIZING IT. I guess my faith needs some work.

But then again, I also consider myself faithful. There are some times when I KNOW it was nothing BUT God that saw me through to the next day and out of some funky-assed situations that I have been in. I know that He is the reason I awake every day. But I feel that I still do not have that deeply innate “abiding” faith that I should have.

I just had an interesting talk with Zed about this and I was telling him that though I CHOOSE to introduce Christianity to my child, I do not denigrate any one elses religion. As a matter of fact, I WANT my child to be worldly and well versed and knowledgeable about other religions. After all, I cannot dictate his actions, but for so long. That is why I do want him to learn about Christ and learn the Bible FIRST.

I do not have a church home, nor do I really WANT to go to church MYSELF every week. I want the message, but do not like all of the other extra stuff that takes your weekly church service up to a 2-4 hour visit. I do want Dylan to go though and learn ( yes, I am also contradictory in my desires). Also t here has not been a church that has kept me and “filled me up” that I have found yet. Or rather, there has not been a pastor or reverend, sans ONE (who died several years ago), with whom I felt a connection and whom I felt fed my “spiritual belly”.

I guess I’ll just take it one day at a time and keep the faith *smile*