Wednesday, February 21, 2007

All I got

So…. It’s been a while since I posted. Ain’t nothing much changed…… I am getting more used to being overworked and feeling like I can never catch up (just a little bit)….. ½ of me feels like “FUCK IT….. I can only do what I can do”, then the other half of me (the part that wants to do a good job) feels like “O.K….. new day, new chance to catch up”, but the latter never comes. So I just rely on the first sentiment and keep it moving.


I am still inundated with shit to do at work and never seem to have a chance to even FIND the time to blog, bullshit or do ANNNY of the shit I used to do at work and I miss it. The reason is simple. Dig the equation:

People who want EVERYTHING yesterday + a work culture that supports it + more work to do than is accomplishable in a reasonable 40 hour work week + me NOT staying late and NOT really fucking WANTING/having the oportunity to do work at home

= My life in stress

This is why shit is stressed. The shit is not rocket science. But shit just piles up and I never seem to catch up. Check this out……..This bastard sent me an e-mail yesterday which basically said that he was pissed and (and I quote) “at a loss for words……. because Ms. Such-and-such that I referred to the company has NOT been given a call and I sent you this e-mail (an e-mail talking about how great his dumb-ass friend is)2 weeks ago”.

I sooooooooooo started to send him some shit that said basically “muthafucka she ain’t OWED SHIT if you ask ME”. But you know I can’t do that. And this company is so fanatical about returning calls/customer service that the founder/president told EVERYONE in the orientation that he would PERSONALLY (and I fuckin quote), “root you out if you do not return calls…..” He said that when he get s a call that there is a complaint (from outside customers more so) that you haven’t returned a call, he WILL.CALL.YOU to ask you “why”. I was thinking “are you serious dude????!” This is an organization with over 4,200 people in it and you will CALL.ME if someone complains about something as simple as me not returning a call?????? So, you know that I was super paranoid when I got that shitty-ass e-mail from this jackass! I just am sooooooo busy that shit does slip through the cracks! I thought that I was pretty organized, but I have never had 20 things going on at once like there are here. Usually there were 5-10 things going on, NOT 20 things. Know what I mean?? And there was far less pressure to “get EVERYTHING done NOW”. Also, the thing that makes this job MORE frustrating is that we (the recruiters) have to report EVERY.WEEK in a meeting, how many interviews we had, how many supervisory interviews we had, how man offers were made, how many offers were signed…… I am NOT used to being tracked EVERY.FUCKIN.WEEK and I do NOT like it!!!! That’s WAAAAAAAY too much attention to my every move! I hate that.

The only bright spot in this: The day flies by……

But I can NOT seem to shake the feeling that I just want to be able to do as I did for five years….. bullshit AND get work done….. and that simply AIN’T reality. So, as it sounds…. I am making some peace with it or just resolving to the idea that it is what it is.

I have been thinking about this and today I am so irritated because it just seems like I am so behind….ALL THE TIME….. I know that I am still in a “learning curve” but I hate being in that stage and in EVERY OTHER JOB that I have EVER.HAD I had time to acclimate comfortably(see: 3-4 months) or even LONGER than that.

I am not a quitter, and by even thinking “I’m not sure if I can do this”, I feel like I am giving up in some way, so I keep thinking that maybe I am 1. being to hard on myself and that it will get easier. So, a natural question (as was Zed's question) is "Are OTHER mufucka's all running around like crazy and do they seem pressed?" My answer is no. I do know that the others do NOT have as MANY jobs as I do (other than my boss..after all,...she IS still a recruiter so she DOES recruiting too). But I SWEAR the other mu’fucka’s do NOT seem as “pressed and stressed” as I am!!! Only one other person on the team has a child and her ass got THREE of them….all 6 yrs and younger! So I know she don’t be staying all late and shit, but my boss, Boss Diva, stays late (as in until 8:30-9:00 almost EVERY.NIGHT. and at least 2 of the other ones stay late too. That ain’t me. Not only can I NOT stay like that, I have a kid and even if I didn’t, I DO.NOT want to stay that late.

Yeah I know this complaining about this is getting old, but I am continually frustrated about it. Always pressed….can barely take a lunch….am working (for real, for real) from the moment I step IN THERE until I leave!). The only thing that is saving them is that I like the company and what it stands for……

Anyway…… that lil boy is the main reason I am doing this… providing another income to allow him/me/us to live a decent lifestyle…….

I am asking Boss Diva again tomorrow “Am I doing enough????” , cause I can’t gauge shit!


The Phoenix aka ThatGirlTam said...

Ok...I had a really good comment up until I saw the picture of the baby feet....I LOVE BABY FEET!!! I've been trying to capture the perfect foot shot of the Littlest Little's feet before they get any bigger (because BIG FEET ain't nearly as cute!)

Umm...I know you just started this place and I know how hard and how long it took for you to get it, but have you considered keeping your options open??? I mean, my job was pretty hectic when I first started, but I've finally (in 6 months) figured out a way to streamline my work so now I have more free time (which hopefully means more blogging time on the job).

I dunno girl...that job sounds like it SUCKS!! I'll pray for you!! HAHAHAHAHAH!

The Goddess said...

WOW. Sounds like you and I have the same thing going on. I feel like I don't even have time to go pee sometimes. LOL. Hopefully things get back on track soon. Be well sis.

Knockout Zed said...

Hard workers make me itch. Fux dat. But I understand, it's for da boy. That's all that matters.


thegod said...

Awww man. I know about sucky jobs but why don't you implement this into your day..."Stop Living In The Past".

Your mind is bouncing between the now and what was then. Then is gone, done with, over you cannot bring that time back.

Forget about what you use to be able to do in the past, how much free time you had to "Bullshit" around and put your focus where it belongs...excelling at your current position and providing that accustomed lifestyle for your baby boy, self and husband.

Remember as a man/woman thinks in their heart so shall it be. The past is death it is no longer alive but in your mind...if you continue to live their you too are dead. Live amongst the living and get what is coming to you in life.

Love ya man!

Shai said...

Damn! The god had my awe right now. How insightful.

Diva said...

Hey Bena,

I feel you. It know that you are working hard and it will pay off. Just keep doing what you're doing. Like KZ said, you do it for that beautiful child of yours and yo husband. We don't want him on your back, now do we??? LOL

PS. I love the baby feet!!!! They are so cute. I need for you to take a picture of LP's feet and frame them!!

Robyn said...

@The God: You are on what was is what was and what will be is yet to be determined.....I do need to start doing that. I can do nothing about what was.

Thanks hon!
Love ya back!

Bougie Black Boy said...

i absolutely LOVE those pics!

Robyn said...

@ Bougie: LOl Thanks! I think you are the ONLY one that "felt" the creativity of my pics! LOL