Dream deferred...

So, I am depressed.

Well, more like severely dissapointed. Why? Because I just found out yesterday that now is not a good time to buy a new house and that numbers-wise we simply CANNOT afford to move. Housing prices for sellers are TERRIBLE and how about the real estate company that we are working with just told us that based on the area, the market value of the homes in our area, and what the costs potentially associated with selling a home (including a whopping $10,500 to THEIR asses alone as our "marketers"), they recommended that we put the house on the market for TWENTY-THOUSAND LESS THAN WHAT WE PAID FOR THIS BITCH THREE YEARS AGO! WHAT THE FUCK!!! And you KNOOOOOW that you never take a "offered" price for a home when you are looking, so that would mean we could come out like as much as $30-40,000 less than what we paid!!! HELL NO! We cannot afford to take a LOSS like that!!!!! We ain't got $30-40K just sitting there in the bank to pay off our CURRENT mortgage and get into another one!

I am so angry. More at myself though because I feel utterly and completely trapped because I can do nothing but wait.... til whenever....... After we moved here I realized something that in my blind impatient desire to get this house did not realize: This may not have been the best move. Why do I say that? Well.... seeing as though I knew NOTHING about how homes appreciate, how areas appreciate,etc. I went on pure emotion and the condition of the house: New. My husband also wanted new and definitely wanted to get a house too. Now, he takes my "dissapointment" as his "fault" because he is the "man" of the house. I tell him it's not his fault, but he feels guilty about us NOT being able to do what we wanna do (i.e. move) and so I try not to talk about it....cause TRUST this topic is never far from my mind and leave it to me, I'd be talking about it QUITE a bit. But I don't because I don't want him to feel bad.

When we got this house, we both wanted a "new construction" home, but the homes that we were looking at as potential "new construction" homes were either tooooo far from EVERYTHING (i.e. a 45-50min commute ONE WAY in NO TRAFFIC) or were too old for what we wanted. I cannot do a long commute, as a matter of fact, I think those who can should be commended! I also did not want to inherit other folks "cover up" jobs that they may have done in a home, on my first purchase. So, we got approved and began to look.

The house that we found are are in today is a new construction home smack dab in the middle of a LOOOOONG time established neighborhood,( but in a central location, close to people north, south, east and west of us. We are really in the middle of the metro-area.) What does that mean? That the homes that are here went through the "quick appreciation" in value 30 years ago and that our MORE EXPENSIVE home will not appreciate that much, that quick since everyone elses shit is old as dirt. And my home (though smaller in sq ft. than most of the homes near us tht are older) cost about $40K MORE than the older homes around us and therefore when they look at the area (as buyers would), this house probably wasn't worth what we bought it for, for the area. But I wanted a new home because my son was about 4 months old and I did NOT want to be in an apt and our lease was up anyway. Now I feel stuck and there is NOTHING that I can do about it but wait and hope....hope that the fucking housing market comes back. But mortgage interest rates are steady going the fuck up.... I guess I may see pigs fly first.

So, here we stand today. My husband is the type of person who could live in a cardboard box and be fine as long as it was warm and had cable. He could care less. I am completely opposite. I want to MOVE! There are several reasons that I want to move. One, we want to move BEFORE (which if this piss-ass housing economy in Michigan doesn't get better, I can't see it) our son is school age. Why? Because the area we are looking at moving into has FABULOUS public schools! My son has 2 years and I personally don't have much hope for this economy. ***sigh*** I also just want MORE SPACE!! I don’t have parties, functions, get togethers at my house because my house is soooooo small! All I have is a Kitchenette table that fits FOUR PEOPLE!!! How can I have more than ONE COUPLE over and be comfortable?????? I mean, I have living room furniture, but I would love to have a grown & sexy dinner party ....well, I can nix THAT idea living here! Also, there is no place for people to go! The basement is not finished and I can't see THAT getting done (due to cost) anytime REAL soon either!!! So, I just don't have people over though I love to entertain. I am just frustrated. And I feel like if I hadn't been SOOO quick to move and had looked at all of these factors,we might be able to buy a new house.

My husband is also of the "well, we just can't do it.....get over it and keep it moving" variety. I am still upset.

So, what this means to me is that we will have to wait LONGER for this house to appreciate to a "decent" level or for us to grow more equity in this house. When we got this house we said we'd be here for 3-5 years as this house is rather small---- we don't even have a formal dining room or formal living room. There is just a living/family room. My husband was like "well, we can now get the basement done and we will have more space". I guess I better make peace with that fuckin idea otherwise I will make myself sick***sigh***

I had thought that this might happen and that I would be O.K. with the idea of just “doing the basement” and that it would be all good if the #'s didn't come in right. But it’s not. I am pissed and frustrated and there is NOTHING.I.CAN.DO.TO.CHANGE.THIS. So... I am upset and left sitting here not unlike Langston..... lamenting.....

hello.....is it me you're looking for

So, it's ben awhile folks...two months to be almost exact. Alot has happened in this time, my son gained another year in age, I lost a few pounds, I gained a new car, my mom lost an appendix, I gained an excercise regimen, and I lost a friend.

Honestly I haven't felt like blogging and haven't had the mindset or the inclination to do so. I still don't feel "up to" blogging much, but here I am. I have a little something to talk about, so here goes. Personally I don't think but 2 or three people read this stuff anyway, so I didn't really see the value in writing ( I NEED to feel like SOMEONE is reading. ):-)

Too much to talk about, so I just won't. I will move on and talk about work. That's a safe place to be. So, I have begun to start taking these leadership classes that are required to become a leader. This is a great company that I work for and I absolutely LOVE the fact that I am in classes that MOST of the 17 people that are in this class with me had to wait 2,3 or in a few cases FIVE years to get to. If you are already at the company, you MUST take this class. If you come in as a manager, you MUST take it AFTER you are hired. When we had an Icebreaker at our first class I think the LOWEST seniority person was 1 1/2 years. I do feel honored that my boss, Boss Diva (who is black and TEN years my junior, but is the bomb!) put me in this.

So, what is my issue? Well...... this company is one that works hard and plays hard. I have no problem with working hard but I have a life and MANY.MANY of the people (whose demographic is certainly young) , work to the point where they do NOT have a life (or their life starts after 9:00...when they leave work).

Can you say "HELL NAW"???? that simply CANNOT be me. I have too many responsibilities and TOO much OTHER shit I wanna do in my life. I already feel like I NE.VER have "me time" unless I am getting my hair done and that really doesn;t count because I am really scared that if I become a manager, THAT kinda shit will be "expected" of me, and I will either 1. have an attitude if I am forced to do something like stay until 8:00 or some mess, more than once a month or 2. just NOT be able to stay and "people" start to look at my leaving "on time" badly or 3. be ready to quit.

I do not want ANY of those to happen, but I fear being a manager. I really do. I am ready to have the responsibility from 8-5pm, but do NOT (nor can my life even ACCOMODATE) extreme amounts of O.T. I have a small child and my husband works really late days and we have not one "backup" to count on to get our child with any reliability or even someone that would be dependable in doing so! It's a truth I hope not to face. I PRAY for a managerial position where if I HAVE to do something, I can take it home! That's the best I can hope for.

20 Things

I am thankful for:

1. My Mom still being alive and being able to spend time/talk to her.
2. My job...yes, it still gets on my nerves, but it is o.k.
3. My sanity
4. My Son...he really is the light of my life
5. My husband...even though HIS as drives me crazy sometimes too, he is a very good man and father
6. That I have cute feet... I am so glad that I do NOT have onion/bunyon/corntoe looking toes
7. My health
8. The ability to walk, talk and hear (that probably should count as 3, but oh well)
9. The Wisdom that I have gleaned over the years
10. Laughter
11. That feeling when you just feel so warm inside because of nothing in particular...guess that would be.. happiness
12. Going through all that I did with living with my father (who was a for real alcoholic)
13. My ability to sympathize and empathize
14. My ability to be impartial
15. My friends
16. Being able to say that there are few things I regret
17. Lessons learned because of the things I regret
18. Being not too hard on the eyes :-)(I am NOT vain by ANY stretch! I am harder on myself than I should be according to others, but I KNOW I ain't aesthetically unappealing.... wasn't that a nice way of saying "I'm glad I ain't u.g.l.y"?)
19. Knowing that I have marketable skills and that (God willing...) I can always make a living for myself and my family
20. No matter what happened the day before, knowing that I can get up tomorrow and try again if today wasn't all that great!

SICK AND FUCKING TIRED

Done.

I don't care what anybody says or does ANYMORE. Not that I should have cared anyway. I have ENOUGH shit in my own FUCKING life to give a damn about. Plenty in fact. I'm simply out and outdone.

Since other people can be pissy, so can I !!! That's IT! Enough is enough.

NOBODY has to worry about me doing, saying, thinking or otherwise.

If PEOPLE can't be REAL with me, just don't BEat all.

DONE !!!


FUCK EVERYBODY!


And if this does NOT apply to you.... you have nothing to worry about...right?

How can you be you and get what you want? Life is full of sacrifice……sometimes

How can you be you and get what you want? Life is full of sacrifice……

Being you….. isn’t always as easy as it should be. People always say “just be yourself” but in MANY instances, as you get older and your thoughts, ideas and preferences get more polarized, that isn’t as EASY as it sounds! You can’t just do or say anything in life , so I think that phrase is overrated and overused! LOL

We often have to make concessions, and sacrifices for who or what we know or think is right or what we “think” is who/where we want to be. Burt when is it too much and when do we begin to sacrifice what makes you, “you”? Self-awareness is a never-ending journey and you can get caught up in a tailspin of being something other than “you”. I ,personally, am still evolving and still learning new things about myself and have gotten caught in that tailspin before. I am constantly trying to in some way (self-talk, meditation, talking to friends) trying to get a better handle on being who I am and compromising for my overall happiness. So how can you get what you want and be yourself when the two ideas are not in sync? You have to understand what you need at the core of who you are. And if that means giving up OTHER ideas of what society thinks you should be doing and who you should be maybe that is the right road for you…maybe not.

But one thing I have learned is that you can’t hide from yourself…. You can but not (as I often say) without consequences and repercussions.

And you probably won’t end up being the “happiest” that you would have been had you just waited and evaluated the situation before acting on something . You can lie to everyone around you (maybe even convinced YOURSELF that this is what you want), but deep down, in the depths of your heard and mind….. you are there and there is where you will FIND …. you and you know the truth.

There have been times in my life where I KNEW that I should not have done certain things, made certain moves, had WARNING BELLS going off and felt a little “off” about something…but kept on full-steam ahead and came to regret it.

Now, I try to be as true to myself as I can. Life is too short not to be. YOUR LIFE is not textbook and I am coming to realize that there are no set guidelines on “when such-and-such” should be accomplished or successes attained. Societal “norms” often make this harder to see…...

I believe that as we get older we seek different things and out of those “different needs” sometimes comes “giving up this…to get that”. I get it. I simply believe that you should not have to change the WHOLE of who you are or what you like or what you are ready for at a certain point in your life…unless you are REALLY ready to EMBRACE (not just accept) the changes that you are making if you are not making them earnestly and whole heartedly.
Are we always happy? They say happiness is a choice. Do we make certain sacrifices in life? Yes. Are sacrifices a part of life? Yes. But the thing to remember is…..In the words of an old song by Teddy Pendergrass you can’t hide from yourself…. No matter where you go… there you are.

Think about it.

Good things come in 3’s right?

Well, I can happily report that things have been going my way at work. I got praise for doing a good job and for going above and beyond my hiring goals for the month and got a “special” parking space (that was just luck) that is RIGHT next to the door! This is a HUUUGE deal because typically you could be S.O.L. if you do not get here early (which I usually do anyway), but God forbid you wanna go to lunch,… you DANG sho won’t get the spot BACK that you had! And we have soooo many people in this lot that one day a week (on a rotaiting basis) EVERYONE has to park at an off site lot and be shuttled in, because if we had EVERYONE here, EVERYDAY….. it just wouldn’t be possible. So, I basically NEEEEEVER go out for lunch cause I am not trying to walk from Timbuk 2 when I get back! Call it lazy, but yeah….. whatever…. LOL But nevertheless, I have had more praise at THIS job in 3 months than I did in 5 YEARS at the other place! GOOD RIDDANCE to all of their janky-stank asses! :-)

So, noooow….. I can go out during lunch and not have to worry about the whole "will I have to park a country-ass-mile away". Woo hoo!!!

So, anyway.....I went to New York to see my best friend graduate from the American Academy of Dramatic Arts. This school is in essence an acting school and I am so very proud of my friend. As I said here….. she is the most courageous person I know.

There were 96 graduates and about umm….3 of them were black! She graduated WITH HONORS and was never late or sick. She was also picked to be one of two speakers at commencement. The girl did her thizzle. And after graduation people (mostly white too) were coming up and applauding her speech and her professionalism. I mean, we couldn’t get out the DOOR for people coming up and telling her how WONDERFUL of a job she did. I was proud to be standing next to her. The girl tore it down! I always KNEW this, but now OTHERS are seeing it too.

This school was NO.JOKE people and if you think it was take this quote from one of the teachers:

“ A student once asked me what to do if they get sick or can’t make it to class (because you are graded on attendance) and I said…..don’t get sick or be absent”

Can you say damn? I woulda been kicked out the first MONTH! LOL And the kicker is that though this is a 2-yr program, you have to be INVITED to come back after 1st year. MANY of her classmates were not invited back.

So, while in NYC, we kicked it, shopped and had fun and here are a few pics from the weekend. She was THE best dressed out of the whole 96 people. I am not just saying that….she was. Take a look…..








Doesn't she look FABULOUS?????

here's a shot of the two of us in the subway after a hearty bit'o shopping on Canal St.




Us at a private graduation party:



So..... I wonder what my third "great" thing will be? **tapping fingers on temple eagerly awaiting ...***

I can't win

I have come to the consensus within myself that this job is just that…a damn job. I like it less and les everyday (the actual duties, that is). I think that I should just trust my instincts when it comes to MY.DAMN.SELF sometimes. The reason that I do not like what I am doing is because I have NEVER wanted to be doing what I am doing…… doing recruiting as my sole job. I have always said that I NEVER wanted to do this and this alone. I knew that there were times in my old job when I had to do recruiting all day long that I’d be just all irritated because I was tired of talking to muthafuckas. But I have to have the lifestyle that I have to have. Or else, I believe that I could just be at the crib NOT working and going back to school. I am really considering this. But then again, I am really considering NOT doing that too. I am full’a contradictions. I have no answers. I just know that I feel burnt out already.

I am a lazy, slow-paced to medium-paced person by nature if left to my own devices. I am all about working SMARTER. This is why this job is sooo hard. I am not saying that I do not want to work, but this job is turning out to be more about "monitoring" our every move than it is about getting a fuckin job done if you ask me. You see, because we are constantly monitored and graded and for lack of a better word, "big brother'd" it is very distracting from getting ones fuckin job done.

I really know that this is not my last stop..... I wish I could transfer to another division (not because of Boss Diva.... I love her ...but because of the way they have her running things. They are on HER ass, so she is on ours. I try to remember that but it is hard to seperate the like that I feel for her and the HATE that I feel for the processes she enforces on us. I need to transfer to another realm in HR but can't until I have been there for 9 months. It was only THREE as of yesterday. I am already burnt out and feel irritated with theidea of gettin up and going to work.

It used to be that I hated my boss & the company who didn't appreciate SHIT, but didn't mind the work, now it's the EXACT polar opposite. LOOOVE the boss, Love the company, HAAAAAAAAATE the duties. I get so dang-dog TIRED ot talking to people alllllllllll day and that's ALL I do. It's mindless and boring. I wish I could be one of those people who are just resolved to the "It's just a job.... I don't take it home...I can just do a job and go home". I am not like that. I wish I were. Life would be easier if I were not so high strung sometimes, but I am. What can I say. I can only keep working on me and working on having the fortitude to keep going until I get to my 9th month so I can HOPEFULLY transfer to another department in the company. Sometimes ti just feel like I can't win.

Pee with me?

Why is it that women have to go to the bathroom together?

I am asking this because I was about to go to the bathroom and one of my black co-workers (who I am cool with) said "Oh, I'll go with you". Now, I am sitting there thinking "uh...that's aw'iight pimpette.... I'm a big girl... I can go by MYSELF!" LOL

But she traipsed her ass in there anyway, as I cannot tell a grown assed woman she can't pee when she wants to!

But here's my thing..... I HATE it when people are even in the bathroom with me when I pee, HENCE my loathing of public bathrooms. It's just something about you being a flimsy-ass metal sheet away from someone who is doing one of the most (supposedly) private acts on earth!!! It's really DISGUSTING to me. Hearing it, smelling it (you all know folks, be letting out gas when they pee and sometimes (ladies please co-sign with me) bitches have just plain and simple ass funk---sometimes--- and it in general can be smelled from the stall NEXT to you!)


UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!

So, with that said, I would prefer if there was NO ONE with me to hear me pee or smell my farts!!!! Dayummit! That's probably why I can't STAND talking to someone in the next stall while I am in there! I was in the bathroom yesterday and BossDiva came in and sat in the stall RIGHT.NEXT to me!!! The reason I knew it was here is that she was talking to someone as she entered the bathroom and I heard her voice. Do ya'll think I uttered a WORD???? I was also hoping she didn't look and see my boot and say "Robyn is that you?" as I was getting my pants up and on ! I HATE bathroom banter! It seems so inappropriate! And I don't care if it's my BEST friend, my momma, or WHOEVER!!! Don't chat it up with me when I don't even condone us being THIS close to each other's "personal" bidness!!!! UUUUUGH!!!! And my best friend is good for wanting to use the "buddy" system when going to the bathroom. She is all things "girlie" and fru-fru-ie and likes that we're doing the "girlie thing" of going to the bathroom together....after all that's what girls do, right???? Well, let's start there..... I am a woman ----- not a fuckin girl----- I do not NEED yo ass with me for company , protection or anything ELSE in the potty! LOL But she gets REALLY irriated and we have actually gotten into ARGUMENTS because we've been out before and I have REFUSED to go with her! So, now, I just suck it up and go...even though I am cringing all the while! To me it's worse if someone you KNOW is able to "hear" you pee! I could care less about strangers! Well..not really... I hate for THEM to be in the bathrom too! LOL

So, if ya'll see me in the bathroom.... DON'T holla!

As Diva would say.. "TW"

Hey ya'll! Are ya back for another exciting look into my mind? Hope so :-)

How about there is this white chick at work that is pregnant. She is kinda dingy, but nice and very "by the book" and "everything-the-right-way-all-the-time-oh-my-God-you-can't-break-ANY-protocol" type of chick. Anyway she's nice enuf. We'll call her the "6footer" (cause the bitch is tall as HELL and damn near 6 ft.). So, one day we were at work and this other white chick, "Wrinkles" (so named becuase she is my age...36 and has MORE wrinkles than most 50 year old black people I know) and I were talking about how big 6footer's belly has gotten. She's like "shhhh...don't tell 6footer ..... she'll be really self conscious...."

WTF???? Look.... I look at it like this: If you DIDN'T want to look like you swallowed a DINOSAUR, DON'T FUCK AND GET PREGNANT!

I just looked at Wrinkles like what the fuck ever. Because.... about 3-4 days earlier, we were talking .....again...about pregnancy and for those of you who do NOT know...I had a HORRIBLE "birthing experience". I had the BEST pregnancy (not one single day of morning sickness and just a bit of sciatica in my right leg. But my DELIVERY..... well how about to make a VERY long story, short.... I was being induced for FIVE days (for those of you ladies who have kids but have never been induced, I have had it told to me from friends who had children both naturally and by induction that it is MUCH more painful to be induced. Top that off with the fact that MOST people who are induced have the baby the SAME.FUCKIN.DAY....well, not me... SIX days later my child was born). And maybe because I have no problem "sharing" my story, I have no interest in being "hush hush" about any part of MY experience.

Soooo.....one day, 6footer is saying that she has to go take the "diabetes test" (this is a test that prenant women have to take to see if they have Gestational Diabetes at about 6 months or so of pregnancy......the test entails drinking the equivalent of some flat pop...either orange or lemon lime...that has 2 cups of sugar poured into 8oz of pop...so it's SYRUPY sweet. They then test your blood after and hour to see of your body has properly conpensated for the "sugar rush" and if not you would have Gestational Diabetes. They will then make you come BACK to take ANOTHER test, if the results are bordeline. This time you have to take a FOUR HOUR test, in which you do the same thing, but you have to sit there .....can't leave or eat anything....for four hours to see for SURE if you have it.)

Well, I DID have Gestational Diabetes and went through this,so I was saying "yeah, that was a pain...blah, blah.... sitting there for 4 hours was a pain...blah blah...". So, I said to 6footer "I am sure you will be fine.... it isn't SUPER, SUPER common, so you will be just fine". I was then talking to Wrinkles who has 3 kids, and said (kinda away from 6footer but not whispering either)"Wrinkles, do you think that Gestational Diabetes is common??" Why did this bitch give me a dumb ass blank look and I had to ask her AGAIN "do you think it's common?". She was apparently trying to give me the "Shut the fuck up about this and don't scare 6footer" by NOT saying anything. She was just like "I don't know.... " dry as shit, with that dumb-ass look on her face. I then "got it" and just said "Oh", gave her a disgusted look and walked away. I wanted to SLAP them wrinkles off her pasty-ass face! UGHHHHHHHHHH! I was sooooooooo irritated!

Man, FUCK 6footer!!!

If you are SCARED to hear about complications or other shit about pregnancy INCLUDING THE PAIN OF BIRTH..which IS potentially (the pain part)in your near future, then BITCH YOU SHOULDN'TA OPENED YO FUCKIN LEGS!!! And that my friends is REALLY the way I look at it. You should be INTERESTED to hear shit or at least just for informational sake in CASE ill shit happens to you!

Do you think that I DIDN'T want to hear about the possible causes of "SIDS" just because I didn't want to face it or AIDS for that matter or any other complication because it hadn't happend to my child??? NO! That is just stupid! Fuck that! Man the fuck up....that's just life and reality. I HATE PAIN , so how many times do you think I heard people say it hurt???? I, unlike her ass, wanted to know more so I could "potentially" be as prepared (as one can be) and to just have general knowledge or to take preventative measures (i.e. talking to my dr. about epidural's or other pain control) so that I could be PREPARED just in case. Was I scared? HELL YES! But did I need to FACE THE FUCKING FACT that things just MAY happen to me?? YES! I haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaate people who try to "run" away from even being informed about shit outside of what you "hope will happen" or "how you want it to go" (which is usually NEVER the way it goes). That's just ignorant to me. I guess that's why it bothered me so much.....

I was so irritated by both 6footer (who had acted scary about birth/pregnancy details a bit, before) and Wrinkles that all I could do was take it back to what Diva says....... "TW..... (they white)". Black people TYPICALLY aren't all scary and stupid about the fucking facts of life! Maybe that's because we have it harder on a general basis than they do ANYWAY.... but I also think that whites and blacks just view certain things ...differently. I have told my story MANY times (to blacks AND other whites) and I have never had that kind of "oooh, don't scare the pregnant lady" type of reaction.

Whatever. Call it mean, but I will CONTINUE to put my .02cents in as I see fit. Not to scare her but not to censor my experience since these "stories" typically come out in the midst of "group conversation".

If she's "scared" to hear MY STORY (see: dumb ass MY STORY will probably NOT be YOUR story) then she's gon have a long road ahead of her goofy ass.

The Ring......

It’s been a long time…. I shouldn’t have left you…..

But I did! HA!

Anyway…I am back…. And the job is going…well..it;s going as well as can be expected! I am however, getting more used to the “craziness” at this job. The people are really great to work with and the company in general is a great one to work for.

Here’s the question of the day: Why was I talking to someone who has been with someone for 8 years and these two folks are not engaged, betrothed or anything. They just “boyfriend/girlfriend”. That boyfriend/girlfriend shit get’s EXPIRED after 3 years TOPS in my book. But then again I will be 37 this year and AM married. She is not even 30 and has been with this clown the MOST of her adult life.

Not let me preface the meat of this post with this: I do not know the woman real well, I work with her, we are referring to Boss Diva. She is mad cool and has her shit TO.GE.THER on the work front. But this African she’s been messing with (I say “messing with” because after 8 damn years and NO ring…that’s what it is! Some mess!) is throwing cow patties on her happily-ever-after.

Soooooo……, check this out: we have a meeting in her office and she tells me that they went this past weekend to “look at rings” and then she asked me “Robyn….. did your husband and you pick out your ring or did you just pick it out?” I said “well… I told him the style, cut of diamond, how the sides were to be,etc….but we never picked it out per se together”. She then says “ Why did Slowpoke (I am naming him that because he has taken waaaaaaaaaay too long to get this girl a ring) tell me that he didn’t like the ring I chose and that he feels that we should BOTH like the ring and that he didn’t want to get it?”

I said “ex-cuse-zemay me?” WHY IN THE HELL DOES THAT AFRICAN HAVE TO LIKE IT???? As long as the ring doesn’t have a Nazi sign or ain’t green, purple and black he has NOTHING.TO.SAY about it as far as MY Black ass is concerned! So, she then goes on to say that “ I just remained calm but disagreed with him and we got into a small argument about it, but in the end I said to myself Boss Diva if you can’t compromise on THIS you do not need to get married”.

Dog…… I QUICLY told her,…..uh….. sweetie, the ring that YOU HAVE TO WEAR has NOTHNG to do with HIM!!! I am SORRY! Regardless of WHAT ring a woman picks I have YET to hear ANYONE criticize the MAN for the ring selection!!! EVERYBODY knows that the ring is TYPICALLy and almost ALLLLLLLWAYS in this day and time, chosen by the WOMAN!!!

That is the most SELFISH shit I have even heard! And I am glad that SHE did realize that too…..but she’s still saying that she WILL compromise on the ring.

wouldn’t be me….. that is THE most personal piece of jewelry I will own and to me it SHOULD be something above all else, that I LIKE……NOT YOU! That is NOT fair! But it is apparent that she really just wants to get married…. And I am not criticizing… I am just saying…… when you want something you make HUGE concessions that take you out of the realm of reasonable into the realm of ridiculous…… I have done it too…..

I just wish I could scream to her to NOT let this marriage BEGIN with a HUGE compromise of self. There is NOTHING wrong with compromise, as a matter of fact, without it a marriage will die, but there are SOMETHINGS that should NOT be compromised and to me, that damn ring is #1 on the list!

All I got

So…. It’s been a while since I posted. Ain’t nothing much changed…… I am getting more used to being overworked and feeling like I can never catch up (just a little bit)….. ½ of me feels like “FUCK IT….. I can only do what I can do”, then the other half of me (the part that wants to do a good job) feels like “O.K….. new day, new chance to catch up”, but the latter never comes. So I just rely on the first sentiment and keep it moving.


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I am still inundated with shit to do at work and never seem to have a chance to even FIND the time to blog, bullshit or do ANNNY of the shit I used to do at work and I miss it. The reason is simple. Dig the equation:

People who want EVERYTHING yesterday + a work culture that supports it + more work to do than is accomplishable in a reasonable 40 hour work week + me NOT staying late and NOT really fucking WANTING/having the oportunity to do work at home

= My life in stress


This is why shit is stressed. The shit is not rocket science. But shit just piles up and I never seem to catch up. Check this out……..This bastard sent me an e-mail yesterday which basically said that he was pissed and (and I quote) “at a loss for words……. because Ms. Such-and-such that I referred to the company has NOT been given a call and I sent you this e-mail (an e-mail talking about how great his dumb-ass friend is)2 weeks ago”.

I sooooooooooo started to send him some shit that said basically “muthafucka she ain’t OWED SHIT if you ask ME”. But you know I can’t do that. And this company is so fanatical about returning calls/customer service that the founder/president told EVERYONE in the orientation that he would PERSONALLY (and I fuckin quote), “root you out if you do not return calls…..” He said that when he get s a call that there is a complaint (from outside customers more so) that you haven’t returned a call, he WILL.CALL.YOU to ask you “why”. I was thinking “are you serious dude????!” This is an organization with over 4,200 people in it and you will CALL.ME if someone complains about something as simple as me not returning a call?????? So, you know that I was super paranoid when I got that shitty-ass e-mail from this jackass! I just am sooooooo busy that shit does slip through the cracks! I thought that I was pretty organized, but I have never had 20 things going on at once like there are here. Usually there were 5-10 things going on, NOT 20 things. Know what I mean?? And there was far less pressure to “get EVERYTHING done NOW”. Also, the thing that makes this job MORE frustrating is that we (the recruiters) have to report EVERY.WEEK in a meeting, how many interviews we had, how many supervisory interviews we had, how man offers were made, how many offers were signed…… I am NOT used to being tracked EVERY.FUCKIN.WEEK and I do NOT like it!!!! That’s WAAAAAAAY too much attention to my every move! I hate that.

The only bright spot in this: The day flies by……

But I can NOT seem to shake the feeling that I just want to be able to do as I did for five years….. bullshit AND get work done….. and that simply AIN’T reality. So, as it sounds…. I am making some peace with it or just resolving to the idea that it is what it is.

I have been thinking about this and today I am so irritated because it just seems like I am so behind….ALL THE TIME….. I know that I am still in a “learning curve” but I hate being in that stage and in EVERY OTHER JOB that I have EVER.HAD I had time to acclimate comfortably(see: 3-4 months) or even LONGER than that.

I am not a quitter, and by even thinking “I’m not sure if I can do this”, I feel like I am giving up in some way, so I keep thinking that maybe I am 1. being to hard on myself and that it will get easier. So, a natural question (as was Zed's question) is "Are OTHER mufucka's all running around like crazy and do they seem pressed?" My answer is no. I do know that the others do NOT have as MANY jobs as I do (other than my boss..after all,...she IS still a recruiter so she DOES recruiting too). But I SWEAR the other mu’fucka’s do NOT seem as “pressed and stressed” as I am!!! Only one other person on the team has a child and her ass got THREE of them….all 6 yrs and younger! So I know she don’t be staying all late and shit, but my boss, Boss Diva, stays late (as in until 8:30-9:00 almost EVERY.NIGHT. and at least 2 of the other ones stay late too. That ain’t me. Not only can I NOT stay like that, I have a kid and even if I didn’t, I DO.NOT want to stay that late.

Yeah I know this complaining about this is getting old, but I am continually frustrated about it. Always pressed….can barely take a lunch….am working (for real, for real) from the moment I step IN THERE until I leave!). The only thing that is saving them is that I like the company and what it stands for……

Anyway…… that lil boy is the main reason I am doing this… providing another income to allow him/me/us to live a decent lifestyle…….





I am asking Boss Diva again tomorrow “Am I doing enough????” , cause I can’t gauge shit!

Second week in hell....

My second week in hell……

I ain’t made it to purgatory yet.

Well, things are making more sense here but I am STILL going crazy and as of yesterday when I had TWENTY bodies that are needed to fill 13 separate positions, I almost lost it. On Wednesday I was SO FRUSTRATED that I almost broke down in tears.

My boss, a.k.a. Boss Diva had said “yeah….. you got a few too many positions…I’mma give some of them to African1”. I was thinking cool. Well, she and I had scheduled a time to go over the “workload” and how the jobs were progressing (before she left to go out of town) and just how I was feeling in general. I had been said that I needed to talk to her about the workload. I was given NO. LEARNING.CURVE. I was just thrown into the fire and the heat was getting a little too hot. But I didn’t want her to think “oh shit….. I hired the WRONG person, she can’t handle it”. I didn’t know what to say to her. I was so irritated on Wednesday just THINKING about talking to her that I couldn’t even sleep right. I mean, even though she is black and cool and young and very much more like me than anyone I have worked with in a LONNNNG time….. she is STILL my boss and I STILL got the feeling that because she has been here for almost 3 years that she is “desensitized” to the level of PURE.WORK that they expect people to do around here!

Thought confirmed.

Between Wednesday and Thursday 4 more positions came open. Well, when we went to talk yesterday, she was like “O.K…..I completely understand……. well I will take these 3 and I will give ONE to African1”. WTF?????? ONE?????????????????? He has FIVE bodies that needs for positions. I have 19!!!!! I mean, does she NOT see that what she SAID she would do (i.e. take some pressure off me) was negated by the fact that I really HAD 19 and then when the 4 came in were all that she TOOK I was left in the same boat relatively.

Well, we talked yesterday and I had to tell her that I am FLAT OUT overwhelmed (I didn’t tell her that I wanted to cry the day before). Now, my girls Diva and TS used to work with this girl and when I was telling TS that I Was so upset and overwhelmed because people want EVERYTHING NOOOOOOOOOOW and I am ALWAYS feeling behind, she said “ you know what Robyn? Your boss, BossDiva, was JUST.LIKE.THAT. when she went to that company….I used to talk to her ALL THE TIME and she used to feel just as overwhelmed”. Well, TS made me fedl a bit at ease so I was looking forward to going into this meeting and coming out with at LEAST ½ of the 19 jobs taken away since I HAVE only been here TWO FUCKIN WEEKS.

Uh…… how about (though I love her cause she’s cool) BossDiva has OBVIOUSLY forgotten how stressful it is and how TIME consuming just sourcing, phone screening, interviewing for ONE job is and when you have ALL THESE DIFFERENT people breathing down your THROAT and back, that it’s simply ridiculous cause she took four of the (since Wednesday ) now TWENTY-THREE positions away, but that still left me WHERE? RIGHT THE FUCK BACK WHERE I STARTED!!!!!!!!! So you know what? I now have this feeling about it: I will bust my ass and do what I can, but it will GET done when it GET’S done! FUCK THAT! I just ENDED a stressed all to HELL job (though I was stressed for different reasons) but I am NOT going to be stressed here like THAT too. No. I mean, she just DIDN’T.GET.IT. And I do not know how BETTER to make her get it.

She started trying to problem solve and was like “Well, maybe we can have interview blitz days where all we do is interview…….just tell the managers that they will not see resumes for 5-7 days after the job is posted because you are working on many positions……”. I was thinking “BITCH! Do you NOT remember how it was for YOU???? What I NEEEEEEEEEED is about 8-9 less JOBS to focus on since I am still BRAND-STANKIN-NEW!!!!!! THAT is what I NEEEEED!!!!! Or do you just CARE NOT TO remember how it was for your ass???” And ya’ll I didn’t cut NO words for the most part with her ass. I TOLD HER, FLAT THE FUCK OUT (though I left out the part about being stressed almost into tears….she DAMN sure didn’t need to know THAT!) that I was STRESSED, OVERWHELMED and VERY OVERWHELMED. Period. There was no mincing of words. So I do not understand why I still have 19 jobs and there is African1 floating around with 5 (oops, she gave him ONE of mine, so he has 6) jobs when I was PROMISED some help. Giving him one funky ass job AIN’T help!

I just feel that I need to be more able to “ease” my way , but that apparently ain’t to be. So…… I will make my OWN ease and take it like THAT!

Hmmpph.

Lata.

And don’t be fooled people…..I am STILL happy to have a job!.

My first week in hell

Hello girls and boys!

Here's a recap of my first week at work:

1. These people W.O.R.K. seemingly every second of the day (I am HOPING this is just my skeweing of what really IS). **I AM happy to have a job though**

2. I have no problem with working, but am NOT.USED.TO.WORKING.AT.A.PACE. like that. Period. Nor do I WANT to get "used to" working at a pace like that. I have NEVER had a job where I have been busy damn near EVERY.SECOND.OF.THE.DAY. And fuck that "it makes the day go by faster" shit. **I AM happy to have a job though**

3. This business is growing SO FAST that there are literally 200 (give or take) people hired per month. The recruiting team ain't THAT big. So that's alot of interviewing, talking screening, and hiring. And this business is STILL growing!! That's good and bad.
- Good: Job security.....it ain't tied to automotive THANK GOD, opportunities to move up quickly
-Bad: There is ALWAYS more work to do in LESS time. There seems to be no room to "pace" yourself
**I AM happy to have a job though**

4. The people seem nice and the company for the MOST part is a "young" culture, meaning my rough guesstimate is that about 75-85% of the people are age 21-45. And that INCLUDES senior management! I have allllllways been used to working with old, stodgy, white men (or women)who (sr. mgt-wise)were between 45-65. There is a HUUUUUUGE difference! The ideas are fresher here and due to age, they (unfortunately) work like Hebrews. My ass can NOT be the one staying until 8 and 9pm on ANY night. I have a young child who I HAVE TO pick up (my husband can NOT pick him up on most nights because HE is "the one" in his job to be staying late and shit. Can't have TWO of us, when we have NO oner to pck up our child, so it has to be me.) **I AM happy to have a job though**

5. There is a difference between working hard (which is semi-o.k.) and working like a HEBREW. It "seems" like they work like the latter. **I AM happy to have a job though**

6. I have literally come home with a headache almost everyday and woken up with one too from sheer exhaustion and my nose has "spontaenously" started to bleed on two of those days. I think that is a combo of being off work for two and a half months and not doing SHIT half the time at my last job. ( I had pleeeeeeeeeeeenty of free time at my last job...hell, there were some weeks where I coulda worked reeeeeeeeeally hard for ONE day and took the rest of the week off and been O.K.). I also am having to learn the jobs that I will be recruiting for and the jobs are complicated and it's really like learning a whole new language because of what the jobs entail. Think about how stressful and straining it is to be in "learning mode" for an 8-hour period......where you have to pay "hard" attention and really learn every second because you KNOW you can't afford to be going back and saying "now what did you say...I really wasn't paying that much attetnion before". That is why (I am sure) that I have had these nosebleeds. Too much intense strain on my brain in a very short period of time.

My boss has had me sitting with people and trying to learn the jobs that I will be recruiting for (which is a GREAT thing actually)(but when I say that I have been sitting with people to "job shadow" back-to-back-to-back-to-back-to-back..... I mean just that! No breaks for a 3 hour period...and new info. with every 30 minute session! WTF???? One day my boss didn't even take into account when she set me up for shit that I needed a LUNCH hour! So, on that day.... I didn't get one because I had to shuttle from one location to the other and didn't have time to stop or it woulda put me behind for all SUCCESSIVE meetings she had me scheduled for!) , in additon to meeting with HER boss, going to a preliminary orientation and just learning other basic shit about the job).

I have been so BUSY this week that on a couple days I barely had time to EAT!!! Now, I personally think that my boss (who is like 30) does NOT realize how stressful of a week she just put me through. She's used to it and maybe because she be staying late as SHIT (she has no husband and no children) she can do shit AFTER most of us leave.....**shrug** But I also feel that I can't tell her "you need to slow this shit the FUCK down and let me at LEAST soak in the culture before you throw me in HEAD-FIRST to the fucking wolves!" because I feel like she might think (to herself) "aww shit..... I TOLD her we were busy as fuck and she CAN.NOT handle it". We don't want her to feel like that because it's not about that. I am a new employee and I haven't even been able to sit and READ through the 2inch thick binder of shit that I was given!!! My theory is that when people are just coming to a job, you need to let them get acclimated SLOW.LY , not snatch them onto the train and leave their legs dangling outside the caboose! And that is how I feel. **I AM happy to have a job though**

5. I hope that this tired.as.shit feeling goes away and shit gets better or I might keep searching. **I AM happy to have a job though**

6. The benefits and little 'perks' are GREAT!!! Also the company's ideas are quite revolutionary and the environment is (minus every employee seemingly being stretched thin) a fun environment to work in. **I AM happy to have a job though**

7. And I have NO idea if I can blog or not (still trying to figure out how "secure " and strict their internet restrictions are....yes,I know..... I ain't trying to get FIRED in week one.) Personally after reading the policy I "think" they do not monitor your shit per se, but I think that there is some kinda direct alarm that identifies you to I.T. if you go on a porn site (becasue in the manual it says "while we don't monitor your internet usage....if you access sites with porn, racially offensive or other similarly offensive sites you WILL be automatically idendified" ...which would NEVER be an issue with me!). But I am just wading in the waters for right now..... ya know? Feeling shit out. Actually, I wanna ask this black girl (cool girl from the hood) if I can go to other sites other than "sites needed for work". Actually, I AM going to ask her..... tomorrow! I know she will tell me!!

So, there you have it. My first week in hell (and I mean that oh-so-lovingly). Hopefully I will move BACK to purgatory at LEAST because I do like the people and the team I am working on (at least I think I do! HA!!!) LOL I know, there's always a learning curve and I don't know how to communicate to my boss (even though she's a young black chick) that though I KNOW we are busy, I need more of a slowed pace to "get in the groove" of the organization. I guess there is no way and I will just have to take it one headache/nosebleed at a time. Take it for what it's worth...... I'm going back to bed and again.... knowing ones limitations is KEY.

I am usually TOO busy too tired to blog at night, so I'll see ya'll when I see ya'll.


**I AM happy to have a job though**

Learning Hard lessons

SIDEBAR: CLICK HERE FOR A****JOB SEARCH UPDATE****


I grew up as an only child, my mother’s prized possession. My mother, a proud, slightly introverted, fiercely protective over me, private and uberly fabulous fashionable woman was always in style. When I was little I can remember going to the then J.L. Hudson’s ,Saks 5th Avenue and a local upscale type of store called Jacobson’s department stores and loving seeing all the clothes. Usually when we went, my mom would buy me a little something and as I got older I came to expect it when we went out. It didn’t take long for me to be lured by the intoxicating elixir that malls entice so many women with. And I was living up to my “genetic predisposition” towards shopping!

I can remember being 9 years old (this was in 1979) and Gloria Vandebilt, Calvin Klein, Sassoon and Jordache jeans were all the rage. Well, G.V. had the matching jean jackets in a plethora of pastels to please everyone. My mom would ROUTINELY buy me these name brand clothes and at that age I can REMEMBER getting a STANK-ASS attitude if she DIDN’T buy me what I wanted, when I wanted it. I was turning into a brat. She would of course threaten not to get me NOTHING and I would still silently pout (if nowhere else but in my mind) and hope that MAYBE she would still get it (whatever “it” was) for me. Sometimes she did, sometimes she didn’t.

Little did I know that my mother, being a single mom, sometimes had no money or little money. She was the type if I asked her how much she made or ANYTHING about her “business” the only answer I would get was a question, “why?” She was fiercely private, even with me. Just the other day when we were talking she said to me “I tried to shield you from the fact that sometimes money was soooooo tight……. *pause*…..sometimes I only had soup for lunch or no lunch at all”. These are things that I have gleaned from her only in recent years. I never saw a hint of that shit. All I can remember is getting MOST of what I wanted and having a normal, happy childhood. When I was a child I can remember Christmas morning’s waking up to at LEAST 30-40 presents under the tree and I looked forward to that SOOOOO much. I remember us living in a fairly upscale downtown apt. (partially because as a single mom she did not want a house with a toddler to raise----she left my father when I was 3----nor did she want to have to even THINK about my father, who was an alcoholic, possibly being able to gain access to our domicile or showing up acting crazy at our door, so she paid MORE to live in an apt. building with a 24-hr lobby guard and underground parking). My father could act a COMPLETE ass when he was drunk. But I never knew how HARD it apparently was for her or what kinda credit card debt she was in.....not until I was WAY grown. She was the type of parent that was DEFINITELY of the “I am yo momma, NOT yo friend and MY business is just that---MYYYYYYY business so don’t ask!”

I think that type of mentality did me both a service and a disservice. On one hand it was great that she shielded me from some of the grown-up harshness of not having or struggling or just being stressed out. I can literally NEVER remember my mother being impatient or cross with me due to her bad day or lack of money. My mother was a constant even keel. I found out in recent years that that is because that is how she deals with things…..she bottles them up until she can’t take it and then shit comes flying out. She says that is something about herself that she wishes she didn’t do. Thing is, I never saw that side of her. On the flip side if I had have seen some of her angst over money or situations, I might not have developed a false sense of “I'm really not worried about what might go wrong.....everything will just take care of itself” that haunts me even today. It is so hard for me to save money. She is and was a great mother and I am glad she doesn’t read this because she might take what I am saying the wrong way and that is far from my intent. But I now know that it is because of how SHE dealt with money that has, albeit unintentionally, taught me how to deal with money and has caused my STILL tumultuous affair with money.

I am a person who believes that because I work hard, I should be able to get whatever the FUCK I want to get and uh…yeah, yeah, yeah….. I’ll pay for it later. When in college and immediately after I had more credit cards than the law allows. I amassed a $22,000 debt in about 4-5 years. I traveled some with friends, shopped, bought Via Spiga shoes like they were Nine West shoes and generally did what I wanted. Then when I was about to turn 30, I decided that enough was enough. I could hardly make the MINIMUM payments on my credit cards and of COURSE the balances BARELY decreased each month. I was so bothered that I PHYSICALLY felt the effects of having that debt hanging over my head. I felt like I was about to develop an ulcer. There were months where after paying bills and gas for my car that I had like $70 for food and I DO NOT take kindly to Ramen Noodles, so I got a second job to help. I hated it. I do NOT like working 2 jobs. I like to relax and fucking CHILL when I come home! I swore EVERY.DAY.THAT.I.WORKED.I consolidated ALL my credit cards except for one Visa with a company that simply talks to your creditors to get you lower payments each month and basically cancels your credit with that store (which DID fuck up my credit) and paid it all off by the time I was 34. I did it 10 days before my 34th birthday.

But my demons still remain. I am 36. I still do not save and I still like to shop , for what I want, when I want (within reason and budget). The credit card debt is nowhere NEAR the 22k, but it’s not zero either. My husband is the EXACT.OPPOSITE. He is a saver. Since we have been together he has , admittedly, “let me have most of the discretionary money each month and because it makes me happy and even though it PAINS him NOT to be more frugal….spend it how I want to and NOT focus on saving”. This is counterintuitive to his soul and we have gotten into MORE BLOW-UP, KNOCKDOWN, ARGUMENTS over money. I just never seem to have enough to do/get/spend what I want AND save. So, I don’t do the latter.

Well, as all of you know my recent job loss has refocused a number of things for me. I will be starting a new gig on Tuesday and prior to the loss of my job, I had begun to really read Single Ma and starting to learn more about money in an attempt to reprogram my hardwired desire to NOT take saving seriously. After all, my mother didn’t save, thusly I never saw the value in saving and I have been “lucky” enough to have someone to bail me out of those few times when I needed some money. Like I said, I do NOT blame her because SHE was never taught and since my daddy didn’t help her out with SHIT, she was IT as far as income. I didn’t have a savings account or a college savings plan. It just wasn’t possible. But I shopped. My mother ALWAYS let me have (within reason) a lot of what I wanted. But the thing I needed was a respect for money. That’s a hard one. I can remember being a kid and my mom saying that she didn’t have money on her for something simple and I’d be like “well, just go get some out of the bank”. To me it was just that simple ---- go get it cause I know you have it----and she never gave me a reason to feel OTHER wise. My momma was college educated and had a master’s degree but those do not make a finance major and if SHE was never taught it, she couldn’t teach me. It is still a demon I face daily. I intend to reverse that with my child and with myself. After all I am nearing 40 with nothing to show for SHIT. This is my coming out and my child is my impetus for change. Change is hard, but I know that I must for the betterment of my family. I am gathering …….slowly…..books on saving and we plan on visiting this guy that I went to high school and college with who is a financial planner very soon. I am also going to enroll in the 401(k) plan IMMEDIATELY. Though I am making LESS than I was at my other job, there is no time or opportunity like the present to get it together and make some positive moves.

Through the constant urging of my husband and maybe a little bit of old fashioned maturity, I see (**I’m getting there**) that I can’t just do what I want to do and not be patient. Oh, and that’s ANOTHER HUGE fault of mine that has been one SINCE probably….birth! I am NOT patient. I would rather have things NOW…..and saving is COMPLETELY opposite of that. I have always felt when I did get a lil money in the bank “DAMN, what I could be DOING with that cheddar!”. I simply have never had a forward thinking mindset.

But I am changing that within myself and my heart so that my child knows how to handle money starting now and much earlier than his mother did.

I got a job!!!

I GOT A JOB YA’LL!!!

O.K, before I get into the glitz-n-glam about my new job (not!), I am gonna say this: It is NOT the job that I wanted but my girl Diva hooked me up with the connect that GOT me this job, so for that and her I am EXTREMELY thankful!!

The job is a Recruiter position, which is something that I have ALLLLLLLLLLLLWAYS said I NEVER (and I repeat,) NEVER wanted to SOLELY do. (murphy’s law huh? That this is the ONE thing –other then payroll—that I said that I.DID. NOT want to do in the HR realm and that is EXACTLY what came my way!) Why? Because I have been an HR Manager for 7 years. Being an HR Manager means that you do a variety of functions in a variety of areas ( employee relations questions, benefits, compensation, recruiting, orientations, training, etc). whereas being a recruiter is just that……. Recruiting. Nothing more, nothing less. ***crickets***

So, my MAIN reason for taking this job is that the pay (though it is less) is only $7,000, less and I have the ability to make that up because the employees in this company get between a 1-25% bonus (with most people averaging between 10-15% !!!!). AND the fact that my black ass needed a job! PRONTO! And the benefits are ALMOST as good as the last company I worked for (the main difference is that the company I used to work for followed the Big 3’s shutdown schedule----meaning I got a week off in July and the WHOLE week of Christmas off…..and PAID…..yeah….I’mma miss THAT shit badly…**big assed sigh**).

The one other downfall of this job is that there is NO.PRIVACY. When I say that I mean that I do not have my own cube. I SHARE a fuckin cube which is set up in a semi-circle set-up and me & my semi-circle-mate sit at either end of the semi-circle. I HATE, and I REPEAT, I HATE this set-up. I need privacy. I have ALWAYS had privacy. At least a fucking cube to myself man!!!! And the WHOLE company is like this!!! My boss SHARES an office which to me looks like a big assed cube! And the bad thing about her office is that her BACK is to the window! (I personally HATE having people sneak up on me and me not know that they are there and I HATE having my back to doors. And I do mean HATE.) I mean, I can’t pick my nose, look at e-mail, BLOG, just relax for a couple minutes or so NOTHING without another bitch looking over my shoulder and possibly judging what I am/am not doing !!!! AND….. I’ll be sitting with my BACK to my semi-circle-cubemate, so who KNOWS if she’s looking at my computer screen if I TRY to say, look at a blog, e-mail……etc…..UGHHHHHHH!!!!!

***SIDENOTE*** Now ya’ll probably are saying how you gon be concerned with BLOGGING & READING E-MAILS and yo ass ain’t even THERE yet and JUST got the job! Well, ya’l tell me (for those of you that have been used to doing it) if your blogging abilities were taken away or if there was suddenly someone looking at EVERY.THING you sent on e-mail that YOU wouldn’t be bothered! Well, that’s how I feel….. I was USED to having those flexibilities (which I viewed as part of keeping me SANE at work) and now they are seemingly gone. Some friends have said that “everybody ain’t working 100% of the time EITHER, so don’t worry….. you won’t be the only one doing “other” things at work”……. Yeah….. o.k….we’ll see.

You know how sometimes if you are having a rough day or just need to have a semi-private conversation a cube provides you with that 5 minutes of down-time to be semi-private, but here…… NOPE! I will see how that works…..cause I have my reservations to be honest. Flatly put….. I don’t like it and probably never will.

The GOOD thing is that the chick who will be my boss is a young (younger than me…..about 30 or so) black chick. I can honestly say that the BEST jobs that I have EVER had were working for the two black women that I worked for. They were EXTREMELY articulate, educated and professional, but BOTH were “real” and fair. This chick seems the same. She already said that her motto is "as long as you get the job done...I don't care.....". And even though she’s younger than me (which is iggin’ me a lil bit) and the fact that I feel like this job is a step DOWN in terms of responsibility and I feel like it might make it HARDER for me to move BACK into a manager’s role…… I am hoping it will be cool.

If nothing else, it IS a job and isn’t that what I needed?????? YUP!!! I just know that if I stay in this role (recruiter) that it WILL be harder and harder to get a managerial job in the future. I know it will. Kinda like if I went from being a manager to customer service for 3 years, they'd look at you like "well you have been outta the functional 'loop' so to speak" and might pass you by for a managerial role. So, I can't stay in this position for long...... I feel that I am handicapping my OWN career by doing so. ya know?? And being black in America is ENOUGH of a handicap that I do NOT need a position that I worked so HARD to get, to be negated by this downgrade. So, if I don’t see some promotional opp’s soon (like within a year), especially given my background….. I’mma be looking again. It’s kinda like going from being a sous chef to a dishwasher…….. so I gotta get back into management…..use it or lose it.

But thankfully I haven’t missed ANY money since I just stopped getting paid on 12/28 and I have gotten 2 weeks of unemployment already and I start on Tuesday. So, I thank GOD for the blessing and the opportunity (yeah, I know I have been all complaining, but I am STILL thankful). So, save the “you shouldn’t be complaining” commentary….. because I am thankful…VERY thankful in fact… but as in everything in life, with some good comes some bad……

I’m just happy to be back to working soon!

The Time is Now.....to make a change.

Where I wanna be…..

There’s something in me that is real that wants to make a difference, and then…..there is something in me that says “fuck it, live for yourself”. But one thing that I have learned about myself (as is true with most humans) I get the most satisfaction from feeling of service.

In the year 2007 there are some things that I want to do.

1. Feel better in my core about the contribution I , personally, am making to the world.
2. lower my blood pressure (because I get so worked up over shit )and take on the old adage “change the things you can and don’t worry about the things you can’t” or something like that.
3. Get back to who “I” am…..and start making my life the best it can be.
4. Really change my eating habits and lose some weight
5. Try not to let other people’s realities control me
6. Be a better mother & wife
7. Control anger and anxiety
8. Save more and desire less


These aren’t necessarily “resolutions” to me they are ongoing goals.

I truly like giving back to people whether it be through my photography (giving people a product that they love), or simply helping someone understand how to do something. So, in looking for another job, I have been trying to put myself in that mind frame in terms of finding a job. I didn’t want to take necessarily the first job that came about. Though I knew the constraints on that. Meaning, I was running out of money. When the money runs out, changes in my lifestyle have to be made. Therefore decisions must be made.

I do not have an official job yet, but there is one in the wings, and the money is still running out…….

New Year MEME

Hey all!

I stole this MEME from Ms. 1969 since I couldn't come up with a topic to blog about! LOL

I hope everyone has been having a great holiday! I am actually feeling much more in the spirit :-) My little one made out like a rat. Clothes, games, games and MORE games. And the bad part is that we still have to go "spend" some money that my m.i.l. sent for us to buy him some stuff! LAWD!

In addition, my husband got me a Zune-pod (it's like an Ipod but manufactured by Microsoft). It's pretty cool! Heck, this is my FIRST MP3 player, so I am ALLLLL geeked! Yes, I must be thee.last.person.on.planet.earth and over age 8, to JUST be getting an Ipod like device. I have the one that is like the 30GB Ipod that has the video and all that. I LOOOOOOOOOVE technology, so the husband did GREAT with this gift! Ya'll know I been online downloading for the past two days, right?? LOL SOOOO excited man! No complaints from me this week! LOL

But all in all, I am glad that my husband is off this week and tomorrow we will be taking the lil one to daycare so that we can just chill, go to the movies and have sum fun!

Well, in case I don't get a chance to say it..... HAPPY NEW YEAR to you all!


1. What did you do in 2006 that you'd never done before?

Realize that there are some people whom you simply can’t even hold out any hope of them ever changing, so just let it and them go.


2. Did you keep your New Years' resolutions?

I made none last year.

3. Did anyone you know give birth?

Yes, four friends of mine did: Sydney Elizabeth, Giselle Olivia, Chance Dana and (my godchild) Melvin Samuel

4. Did anyone you know die?

no

5. What countries did you visit?

None what so-ever (damn I need to get out more)

6. What would you like to have in 2007 that you lacked in 2006?

wooo-hoo! I have a list (ahem): A job I like, a boss I like, savings (I currently have none….yeah I know…. You don’t have to say it), and starting a 529 plan for my child.

7. What dates from 2006 will remain etched upon your memory?

The day I got fired (or rather….the day my “position was eliminated”)…..for the first time with no notice

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Not cursing my boss out when I left my last job and walking out with dignity (no I am serious…. You all do not KNOW how many times over the past 4 ½ years I have planned my “exit tyrade” , so this IS a big achievement!)

9. What was your biggest failure?

Arguing with my husband and not being patient with my son at times

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

No, than God.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

Nuttin much…..just a bunch’a little stuff.

12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?

Dunno…other than mine (reference #8 above)

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

Kramer & Bush

14. Where did most of your money go?

On a whole buncha bullshit…. I wasted a lot of money this year…….

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

My son’s birthday party and my birthday

16. What song/album will always remind you of 2006?

I’m bringing sexy back….YEAH!

17. What do you wish you'd done more of?

Saving and traveling (we didn’t even make our usual summer jaunt to Chicago this year!)

18. What do you wish you'd done less of?

Complaining, arguing and spending

19. Did you fall in love in 2006?

Nope

20. How many one night stands in this last year?

None

21. What was your favorite TV program?

Grey’s Anatomy, Desperate Housewives and the now cancelled (dem BASTARDS at ABC) Daybreak

22. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?

Nope

23. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

More money…say……a couple million and being able to be a stay at home mom and have my own business.

24. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2006.

That I have to save and that saving is very important. I have never been a saver. It is hard for me to do, but necessary. Though my household is holding up, if we had have had that “3-6 months” of savings that financial folks tell you to have, we would be a lot less stressed. I will never be in this predicament again.

25. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year?


It’s like that and that’s the way it is.

The Vortex Effect

Sucked in.

I am getting sucked in. I am getting used to being home and not working,and after all, isn't this what most people WISH they could do? I don't miss getting up at the crack of dawn, rushing to work, dealing with bullshit at work all day, getting off LATE and by the time you get home you have to scramble to cook, do whatever cleaning there is and spend time with the baby. I do not miss that world. Maybe I feel like this because I have NEVER and I do mean NEVER had a job that just DID IT for me. I have never just lovvvvvvvvvved going to work for WORK SAKE. I did like going to work because of some of the PEOPLE from time to time, but I have never found my niche in terms of "what do you want to do that you will REALLY enjoy?" But am I an anomaly? I think not, I think that MOST people do not want to do what they are doing but have to make a living. I undersatand that. But I have to fake it like I just "live and BREATHE HR"....after all, who wants an albeit truthful employee, that would say "ya know the truth is , I am really just here because this is an o.k. job and the money is good and I have to eat". No one would hire me if I told that truth. And I know that the way I am living cannot last, so I have finally started to "enjoy it while I can". I am revelling in the fact that I am getting a breather, shall we say, from that rat race. I am finally beginning to enjoy this lifestyle but .....

I am getting sucked in.

For the moment I am living in an unreal world. The world of in between .....I am still getting paid and I will have unemployment, so I am getting comfortable. Being home ain't that bad (right now). I am getting more appreciative of the space I have and am o.k. (for right now).

This series of events has allowed mte to get the monkey off my back {my evil ass boss} were apparently supposed to happen as they did to take me to the next level,and even my husband says that I am happier since I do not have to deal with her and the rigamoro day in and day out. Truth be told.....I could leave corporate america and NEVER look back and be none the worse. But.....that brings up the fact that my husband while making a good salary does NOT make enough to support our lifestyle. And truth is..... I do NOT want my lifestyle to change.

So, that means I have a dilemna. How to support my lifestyle without going back to the daily grind.

So.....I have already begun to make a change and pursue my professional photography business. I have ALWAYS wanted to be a photographer....since I was a girl. I have stepped out and have begun to "just do it". Problem is, I am still very unsure of myself and though people say that I do god work, I know that I have SOOOOOOOOO much more to learn. I am going to try to enroll in spring classes for photography. But what I really need is a mentor. Someone to SHOW me (I do far better with someone showing me what to do and learning by example.....). I do not know if I will find a mentor though because people simply do not like to "train their competition". ya know? I have someone who's work I am totally in awe of (and he's a black guy)...he took this pic of me & my husband which was one of our engagement pics, but he's soooooo busy. He kinda said he would, but he also kinda (i felt) brushed me off and said that I needed to learn "a few more technical aspects so that when he referred to things he wouldn't have to stop and explain the minutiae", which I kinda took as a dis because that is EXACTLY why I WENT to him,.....because I NEED someomne to EXPLAIN the MINUTIAE!!!!! So.... I was kinda irritated behind that and consequently haven't found one that'll stick yet....

But I do know this...... I am getting sucked in..... I do NOT miss the fake conversations, the inflexibility of most corporate jobs, the 8-5 schedule and the even MORE fake personnel at these jobs. The older I get the thinner my skin gets for these enviromnents and the more transparent I become. Meaning, I used to be able to put up that "suzie cream cheese" smile and fakerie with the best of them, but now, not as much. My nerves are more raw and my patience is way thinner. I am respectful.....as long as you respect me..... and after coming from the last job where that bitch OBVIOUSLY thought I was her muthafuckin kid or something......it makes it WAAAAAAY more unlikely that I will deal with one IOTA of that shit again. I know my bloodpressure was worse for dealing with her. She no longer has her foot on my neck and for that I am grateful!

But back to the lecture at hand.... I am getting sucked in.

I like leisurely getting my son to school (it's nice to just enjoy each other in the morning instead of being agitated and rushing because you are trying to get that last 15 minutes of sleep and are on a "scehedule"), being able to clean the house and have dinner ready BY 6 instead of STARTING at 6 (if I was lucky). But housewife I am not,...I need more to keep me going. Which is why if I do not find a job, I am not going to be that pressed in the interim (until my unemployment runs out), because maybe this really IS my time to make a change, maybe getting sucked in isn't so bad and maybe getting sucked into the vortex will take me to a whole other world....a world that I have only dreampt of.

Much ado about nothin

Well, there's not a whole lot to tell, but let's see what I have...

O.K.... I have been soooooooooo lazy with this whole Christmas thing (read: I stilllll haven't completed the Christmas tree decorating...hell, we JUST put it up LAST NIGHT!LOL) I told my husband that by the time we get it together it will be time to take this monstrosity --- 7 1/2 ft. tree--- down.

We went to a local mall today (Twelve Oaks Mall in Novi) in hopes of having the little one's picture taken with Santa. O.K. why was the Santa SKINNY as hell and the chair he was sitting in made HIM look like an Elf??? Top that off with the fact that there were 6,001 people in line and I was HOTTER-N-HELL in the sweater that I had on, and you have a "hell naw we didn't take narry a picture!". and I thought that the set-up was ugly In comparison to the set-up at another local mall (Somerset). The thing about Somerset is that it is the 'ritzy' mall and though it is my ABSOLUTE favorite mall, to take picture with Santa it costs $30 freaking dollars!!! And you only get 6 pictures (4 x 6's I believe). Maaaan.... Can I just take a picture my DAMN self and get them developed????? I am SHO'LL gon ask!!! Because this is REDICULOUS!!! I can take JUST as nice a picture as them folkscan! HHMPH!!

Well, we'll see. My husband also gave me another option because the building where he works (the one where I used to work before I was recently FIRED...has a FREE Santa picture station and you get one free Polaroid pic but you CAN also take your camera (I know this for sure!) and take your OWN pciture!! And their set-up is always nice. All I know is that I MUST do eomething because though my child has been through TWO Christmases,he has NEVER sat on Santa's lap..... I know, I know..... the first year I just didn't and then last year we were in Atlanta and there was so much to do before hand and the weekends kept coming and going and time got away from me..... so I VOWED that by hook or crook , he WILL have a picture with Santa this year! HEE HEE!

I also have pretty much finished my shopping for him as well. I just have to pick up a few things from to give to him in my m.i.l's name. She sent us some money to get him some presents from her, so I will go shopping this week.

Let's see...in other news, me & my siblings have FINALLY found a buyer for my grandmother's 4-family!! I am sooooooooo relieved. Though I have to split it 3-ways with my siblings and because this place is in the TRUE hood and the property is in GREAT need of repair in every unit, the money we get ain't gon be alot, but it is better than NOTHING....ya know???? :-)

Also, in better news, it looks like we will get a BETTER interest rate on our house (that we are refinancing) than we thought! And it will be a fixed rate! It willbe higher than our rate now, but not as bad as the 8% that we thought we'd have to have!!! And it looks like I have managed to barely SQUEEEEEEZE by since I no longer have a job without the finance co. knowing!Hallelujah!!! Cause if this had happened after I was no longer getting paid and was REALLY terminated off the company's system...... Well..... we might have gotten a much WORSE rate because my income wouldn't have been factored in! Thank GOD for small miracles....I'll take any that I can GET right now! LOL

All these good things almost made me not feel like crap when I got my first "thanks but we decided to pursue someone who had more qualifications than you......thanks for your interest" letter..... (did I tell you that I don't take rejection very well?.......*sigh*....no really.....I am serious)

Almost......

Happy holidays ya'll.....

I Love New York: It's not what ya think!

O.K. ya'll..... I don't know how many of you watched "Flavor of Love" and saw that stank-ass- CRAZYYYYYY-ASS contestant New York, but apparently SOME-DUMBASS-BODY has seen fit to give this truly mentally challenged braad a T.V. SHOW.....her OWN version of Flavor of Love

WTF?????????????? I mean, are there men out there that REALLY like the "crazypussy"???(ya'll know how men seem to LOVVVVVVVVE the crazy bitches and their crazy pussy!!!....) Apparently. But from the looks of it, some of THEIR asses are mentally challenged as well.

Has everybody in t.v. programming gone BANANA'S??????

(on the low I WILL be watching it ....hee hee....I can't help it...... the bullshit is just tooooooooooo good not to!)

LOL

Enjoy peoples!